Monday, June 29, 2009

Improper Times To Recite Your Wedding Vows

— When the voice from the speaker at the fast food drive-thru asks "May I take your order?"

— While having sex with your girlfriend for the first time.

— When the police officer asks for your license, registration, and proof of insurance.

— During the field sobriety test.

— When the drill sergeant asks what your major malfunction is.

— While you're being chased by a homicidal maniac wielding a large machete.

— When your five-year-old daughter asks you to tell her a bedtime story.

— To the anonymous woman sitting on the barstool next to you after you've had a few too many beers.

— To the large, burly man sitting on the opposite barstool next to you after the anonymous woman rejects your advances and you've had a few more beers.

— When you take the stage, grab the mic, and 150,000 madly cheering fans are expecting something more along the lines of "Rockin' in the Free World."

— When Satan offers to buy your soul for cursed favors. Actually, it might make him just a little uncomfortable.

— To your mother on Mother's Day.

— When the bailiff asks you if you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

— "Tower, my main engine's on fire, am I cleared to make an emergency landing?"

— On your first date, puking out the words right after the girl asks if you liked the movie.

— At the humane society, as you pick up one of the cats you're considering for adoption.

— To the jerk who cuts you off in rush hour traffic.

— While delivering the State of the Union Address.

— When your younger sister comes to visit you after being away for college.

— To a hooker, in the middle of a blowjob.

— After taking a large hit of PCP, cocaine, and ecstasy. You're just not in the right frame of mind to be making any sort of commitment.

— TextIM.

— When you're standing over the body with the bloodied knife still in your guilty fist.

— Among the closing credits of a movie.

— At the divorce hearing.

— Visitor's day at the insane asylum.

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