Saturday, April 04, 2009

The Osbournes: Relaoded - A Review

This show is stupid.

It's not crazy or outrageous or unpredictable like the commercials promised. In fact, it's the worst kind of predictability, the kind that tries way too hard to look unpredictable.

The pacing is forced, and each Osbourne has the comedic timing of a soap opera full of preschoolers. Each "joke" consists of the following three parts: 1) The setup. 2) The moment of startled silence. 3) The obligatory obscenity.

That their trademark obscenties are completely staged is clearly evident. They aren't cursing for any reason except that it's what is expected of them. Upon meeting an audience member named "Nick," Kelly responds by asking, "Do you know your name rhymes with "dick"?" just so she can get one more "bleep" under her belt. This generated big laughs from the exeedingly gracious audience despite this sort of joke only being funny to the most immature of third-graders. You use profanity to add emphasis to your statements. Profanity for the sole purpose of profanity is not edgy or shocking, it's just stupid.

At least when Ozzy utters an obscenity, you know it's authentic because he seems to have no idea what's going on. He shuffles out, mumbles, and drops a few f-bombs in confusion until they tell him to do something crazy like spray the audience with foam, which is the only part of the show that he clearly enjoys.

I am convinced that all of the antics are staged. The Osbournes know what's going to happen well in advance, from the audience members they select, to the situations they're going to put the audience members in, to the outcomes of those situations. Will the guy be disgusted that he kissed an old lady? No. Will the other guy marry his girlfriend? Yes. If he didn't, they wouldn't have their tidy happy ending, and then what? Then they'd have to do something unpredictable, and it's apparent by their forced dialog that they are not the most adept at thinking on their feet.

The two skits were equally as fake. First they presented a "reality" clip of Ozzy and Kelly working in a fast food restaurant. You can't tell me not one customer saw the long-haired guy with the circular blue sunglasses mumbling at them through the window and said, "Hey, aren't you Ozzy Osbourne? Holy shit! Ozzy Osbourne is dumping my food on the ground!" Of course they were all actors. The restaurant managers just stood there and let the two of them drive away business? No customers complained?

The second skit was even worse. At least with the previous skit, you had the benefit of hearing Ozzy's voice over a drive-thru speaker, ("H'elcome taiaiaoai. Hoyowoyoyoooo fuckin' eeeeebejedus bif dupe?"). The second skit featured cursing children dressed up like Ozzy and Sharon at the movies, just to be, you know, shocking. Oooh! Those kids are cursing! Kids shouldn't curse! That's shocking! It's not even original. It wasn't funny when Will Ferrell did it, and it's not funny now. It would be one thing if the kids were cursing at real people who didn't expect it, just to see how they would react. When the people they're cursing at are obviously actors, (and I man "obviously" as in "I've seen them playing bit parts in other things"), then the entire point is just to shock us with profane children, which, again, is stupid, just like the show.

Ozzy needs to stick with making heavy metal.


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