Sunday, April 05, 2009

Online Dating Guide, Part 17: Checking Out The Competition

Really I'm not "checking out the competition." I don't care about the "competition" and have not cared about the "competition" for years now. If I were more worried about the "competition," my profile wouldn't be the lyrics to a Genesis song because I know there's nothing chicks dig more than mid-Seventies prog rock sung by Peter Gabriel.

I am in probably the best relationship of my life so far, and the only reason I still lurk on OKCupid is that I am fascinated by the little windows through which I get to peer into other people's personalities. I was originally going to revisit an incest forum that I mocked a couple years ago since SomethingAwful raided a similar incest forum, but I got distracted by the stupid profile of some guy on OKCupid, from which I linked to the stupid profiles of other guys on OKCupid, and overall, I feel much better about my prospects if my current relationship were to end in a tragic bus accident, because I'd probably just spend the rest of my life alone and miserable like House if something like that ever happened.

Yes. Health issues. Just keep telling yourself that.

When she's having a really bad day, what every woman really wants is a man to tell her how to get the work done quicker.

Yes, and my Ph.D. is worthless now.

He believes in finality, and he has no idea how he loves chess.

He almost had us fooled until he revealed that he was the most articulate and communicative vascular murmur.

What I'm doing with my life is attaching exclamation points to sentences that have no need for them!

What is that coming out of the ocean? Oh my god! It's the N-i-cK!!

Hey, times are tough for everyone right now.

You're not musically diverse when you list off a bunch of similar artists. If you say you're musically diverse, say you like Nevermore and Simple Minds, Edvard Grieg and Hank Williams, Cypress Hill and Dizzy Gillespie.

I used to be a cheerleader in high school. I'm the product of dog rape. I have purple skin and an arm with no hand and one finger growing out of my head. Strange men in black suits and sunglasses are constantly trying to extract the secrets from my brain. I have a celebrity crush on the hypothetical offspring of Jack and Kelly Osbourne. I can be a bit clingy, and I drool acidic slime only during sex, but I'd like to think of myself as extremely unique!

It used to say that I can consume large amounts of Coke in one sitting, but I had to be more specific because the totally wrong types of women were contacting me.


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