Sunday, March 08, 2009

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Between Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Ann Coulter, and some woman named Debbie Schlussel, it's apparent that a woman cannot earn respect as a Conservative commentor unless they look like a man in a blonde wig, and are as stupid as they are completely and utterly fuckshit insane. Megan Kelly, don't worry, your time as a Conservative pundit is coming as soon as you can no longer anchor the news because your face scares small children.

I never knew Debbie Schlussel existed, but a friend pointed me in the direction of a
review she wrote of the movie Watchmen. It doesn't bother me that she didn't like the movie. That is her opinion, and I'm not going to derive the meaning behind the imagery by referencing the source material as so many fans have attempted because she obviously could not care less. What bothers me about her reviews is that her writing is atrocious, her thoughts are ill-formed, and her research is lazy.

In this age of instant information gathering, it's irresponsible to not research your facts. You need to be more diligent than ever to present factual information because your critics can have factual information delievered to them anyplace within seconds. Your well-reasoned argument can be easily disproven with a simple Google search if it is based on false information or, worse yet, your own opinion, and repeatedly shouting it at people won't make it any more true. Combine this with carelessly veiled bigoted subtext and present it with the literary comprehension of an elementary student's book report, and it's easy to see why the Republican Party is struggling for support if they continually act as if they honestly believe most Americans don't mind having their intelligence insulted by obnoxious morons.

I probably should have stopped reading when you opened with this line about a movie that you, yourself, watched. Way to premise.

But why make the effort when bitter, clueless pundits can form our opinions for us?

Wait, did you just actually reveal that part of the Conservative agenda is to condemn intellectualism? Wow. Just… wow.

Those wacky Conservatives sure do love their mutually assured destruction!

Notice how she never does say that it's wrong to brutally murder people based solely on their sexual preference, as long as it doesn't result in having to explain to your kids what a "lesbian" or "whore" is. Congratulations.

Just because you can't wrap your brain around alternate timeline theory, it doesn't make the thing that you can't understand stupid.

She sure seems fixated on that giant, blue penis, doesn't she? Any problems at home you're not telling us about?

This review concludes that rape victims and their offspring are all sluts.

Stupid parents don't make the movie bad, unless the movie is Cheaper by the Dozen or Yours, Mine, and Ours.

I guess it's okay to assume these are bad parents, just like it's okay to assume all blacks are ignorant, all homosexuals are evil, and all single parents are sluts. Your Jewish grandparents would be turning over in their ovens if they could see the hate speech that spews from your brain.

I don't get why we're trying to save our kids from seeing stuff like this in movies only so we can ship them off to war when they turn eighteen so they can see stuff like this in real life.

I love how she responds to criticism in all caps because all caps makes things more true.

No, obviously having no idea what you're talking about is the perfect way to encourage people to take you seriously. "Facts" are just the lies that Liberals tell each other at night.

This isn't all. She loathed the movie so much she ejaculated
a-whole-nother article about how much she loves herself and hates this movie.

Well-adjusted people don't revel in the thought of people killing themselves because of a movie you don't personally like. Your enthusiastic call for the mass-suicide of all the fans of a movie is as perverse as anything you outlined in the movie itself.

To use your own Hitler reference to wit, if he'd simply convinced all the Jews to kill themselves over a stupid movie, he'd have earned your most steadfast support, right?

Wait, did she…? Why, yes, yes I think she did. She just used a term originally coined by Karl Marx. It wasn't just Ancient Rome, it was the Soviet Republic of Ancient Rome.

She is apparently so desperate for approval that, despite the hundreds of negative responses she received, she had to create a second article about how stupid they all are and highlight a couple of ego-stroking positive responses in order to re-establish her self-worth.

You heard it here first, Debbie Schlussel thinks your mother should be raped if you enjoyed the Watchmen movie. Apparently, insecurity-based narcissism isn't the only deeply-rooted psychological problem plaguing this woman.

You know, Debbie Schlussel, it wasn't too long after Ann Coulter became a psychotically deranged embarrassment to the Republican Party that she was sent back to the kitchen with a shiny black eye. Maybe it's time to tone it down a notch or two before your "cutesy antics" suddenly become a voter liability as well.


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