Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Resolutions For The Disenfranchised

We're headed into 2009 facing economic turmoil and environmental annihilation. What better time to resolve to do some of those things you've been putting off, such as eating your weight in body fat. (That one was an Obama election year bonus.)

— Teach yourself to draw manga.
— Become a grizzly cub.
— Try to sell Obama's senate seat to the highest bidder.
— Convince Justin Timberlake to bring sexy back, because we miss her.
— Father Bristol Palin's next baby.
— Change.
— Get a life-size topographical map of Ohio tattooed on your body.
— Hack Sarah Palin's email account and have it blamed on eBay.
— Read a book.
— Step into the Quantum Leap Accelerator… And vanish.
— Punch a cop in the dick.
— Hope.
— Invent 152 new Pokémon.
— Buy the entire economy.
— Disgust Bill O'Reilly.
— Hold up! Wait a minute! Put a little love in it!
— Make yourself ejaculate ants and use this power to fight crime.
— Believe.
— Remain completely celibate until the year 2010. If you already are completely celibate, don't stop fucking until 2010.
— Punch George W. in the Bush.
— The following is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. It is only a test. If it were a real emergency, instructions would follow after the tone.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
— Stop watching crap written by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci.
— Make a fist. From scratch.
— Achieve.
— If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with AIDS, enjoy your death, idiot.
— Accidentally a Coca-Cola bottle.
— Put a resolution in your resolution so you can resolve while you resolve.
— Raid the factory that poops out those Vague Genre Movies and Beethoven movies and destroy everyone involved. See them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women. Take no prisoners.
— Apply for a personal $30 billion government bailout package.
— Pray that you really didn't just vote for the wrong candidate.

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