Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Notebook Of John McCain

No matter who you think the winner of last night's debate was, the clear loser was Tom Brokaw. He couldn't control the candidates and he was lost when he couldn't read his teleprompter at the end.

One thing I noticed all through the debate, though, was that while Barack Obama was smiling off into nowhere during his downtime, McCain spent his scribbling down copious notes on a pad of paper next to his chair. What was John McCain so intent on writing all the time while the moderator or the other candidate was talking? Well today I present you with an exclusive first look into the secret debate notes of John McCain.

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You are at a debate. Your rival is Senator Obama. The moderator is Tom Brokaw. You are running for President. It is 2008. DON'T FORGET THIS!!

Question was. . . economy. . . something. . . Obama is talking about health care. Talk about health care.

Why are there so many black people here?

This table hurts my arms when I write.

Tom is talking about time or rules or something. I can't keep up.

Look at Obama over there all smug. Doesn't he have to take notes? He probably doesn't even care.

Idea! Let's make an ad linking Obama to Lex Luthor

Why are there traffic lights on the floor? No one's gonna drive through here upside-down, are they?

Three priorities. . . Economy, health care — no wait! Aw crap!

Sarah suggested I wink at the camera when I talk to highlight my sex appeal, but fuck her. I'm not winking during a debate like some dumb ditz.

Who the hell does this Tom Brokaw character think he is, telling me when I can and can't talk? I'm John Fucking McCain! I'm a war hero! I'm a motherfucking maverick! Fuck him. I better not see him alone in an alley after this is over.

Look at Obama. He's getting worried. I can tell by his abundance of confidence. Man I'm good.

I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung wanna pull up tough cuz you noticed that butt was stuffed. . . Oh shit, what was the question again?

Find out how much Sarah would charge for anal. Bounce it against Cindy's price.

What does Obama know about the Great Depression? Was he alive during the Great Depression? Nooooo.

Show Americans you care. Snarl more.

Check for letter I've never seen that I said Obama didn't sign.

Tom Brokaw sucks at moderating. Look at Obama up there just talking and talking. Watch me keep my responses under ten minutes.

Freebird
Barricuda
Don't Stop
Angry American
Cat Scratch Fever
Born In The USA
Little Pink Houses

You know what this debate needs? A fistfight. That would be awesome! I could take that lanky pansy from Illinois easy.

You know what else this debate needs? Sarah Palin topless. What's the point of a hot female VP if she's never gonna get naked?

Oh my God! Where am I? What is this colored boy doing in a suit? Oh, right. 2008. Debates.

Quick! Say something mavericky!

Make more Navy references. Find a way to make my upbringing seem as humble as Barack's.

Obama may be less shaky on foreign policy now, but I've been tutored in economics by George W. Bush himself.

Opportunity this, health care that. He should go listen to MC Hammer and stop whining all the time.

Don't call the CPO Baldy!

Whew!

"There will never be another Holocaust" doesn't apply to the fags.

Is Russia the Evil Empire? Duuuuuh!

I want my water! What did you Commie pinko fags do with my fucking water?! If you don't get me some fucking water right— Oh, here it is.

Barack may be a better politician, but I've got the racist vote in my corner while my party actively disenfranchises all of his supporters.

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