Thursday, October 02, 2008

Every Question Is An Attack On Sarah Palin. No Exceptions.

Recently CBS leaked an unaired portion of the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric which was deemed too damaging to broadcast. In it, Sarah Palin couldn't name any Supreme Court decision except Roe Vs. Wade, which even a comatose invalid living under a rock for the past fifty years could suddenly spring to life and shout out if asked to name one Supreme Court decision. To avoid admitting she couldn't, Sarah Palin took the long and confusing route through Surrealville wherein she asserted that, as Vice President, she would be in a position of power to change some of the decisions that she disagreed with that she couldn't name offhand.

Of course, the leaked interview portion drew stark criticism from the Republican party who, instead of questioning whether their choice for Vice President might have been a mistake, became offended that anyone would dare reveal to the world that their choice for Vice President might have been a mistake. Of course, this is by far not the only embarrassing interview clip that didn't make the final broadcast. Like Robin Williams improv during the filming of Mork & Mindy there are rumored warehouses full of footage never exposed to the general public, until now. The following are selected excerpts from these missing interview segments.

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Question: Could you please state the names of all five of your children?

Sarah Palin: Well, let's see. There's Track and Trig. . . There's the pregnant one. . . And the two with normal names!

Question: So you can't name of all five of your children?

Sarah Palin: Of course I can! I just did!

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Q: How would you address the speculation that you are "in bed" with Big Oil?

SP: I am certainly not in bed with Big Oil! I'm only in bed with my husband, and although he does work for an oil company, I assure you he is in no way "big."

Q: . . .

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Q: You are adamantly opposed to any abortion laws. Would you care to explain your position for the benefit of any concerned, undecided voters who may be watching?

SP: I'd be happy to!

Q: . . .

SP: . . .

Q: Please explain your position on abortion for the viewers.

SP: Okay, like, I believe that all life is precious and needs to be protected. ALL LIFE. Babies are beautiful miracles of God and I thank God every day for blessing me with the happiness that Trig has brought into our home.

Q: What about in the case of rape? Shouldn't abortion at least be an option for a rape victim?

SP: I don't have any experience dealing with rape victims because we really don't have rape in Alaska. Do you know why we don't have rape in Alaska? Because we shoo the Godless Russians off our porches with brooms.

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Q: What is your favorite color?

SP: Certainly not Iraq!

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Q: John McCain has a heart attack—

SP: OH MY GOD! JOHNNY!

Q: No! Hypothetically, John McCain has a heart attack and you become the President. The economy is crashing and insurgents are bombing troops in Afghanistan. How would you handle your first day in office?

SP: I can't believe he's dead. WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME?!

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Q: What magazine are you reading?

SP: A lot of people think we're illiterate in Alaska because it's night six months out of the year and all we have to do is trudge through snow, but there is a lot to read in Alaska.

Q: I mean that one you're reading right now. The one in your hands. What magazine is that? It looks interesting.

SP: You know who are illiterate? The Russians. Sometimes the postman delivers their mail to our state by accident because, well, we live right next door, you know. It's an easy mistake to make. Like, wow. They don't even know the alphabet! It's all a bunch of scribbles and some sort of weird moonspeak gibberish.

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Q: What would you say to all the skeptics who believe you were just nominated to pull in the disenfranchised Hilary supporters?

SP: I like to shoot wolves in the face from a helicopter. Would Hilary Clinton shoot wolves in the face from a helicopter? I rest my case. I'm awesomer.

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Q: Are you looking forward to your debate with your Vice Presidential opponent Joe Biden?

SP: Yes! I'm very excited to learn what a debate is and how we can use it to save health care for our economy. I hope he'll be able to give me a few pointers on how to do this Vice President thingie because it sounds important and I'll take any help I can get!

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Q: What are you ON?

SP: A chair! Uh, the floor? Earth? What do you mean? Can you give me a hint?

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Q: The economy is probably the most pressing matter on voters' minds this election. What measures do you believe are the most crucial to revitalizing our economy?

SP: Oh, well, gee, you know, what we really need to fix the economy are mavericks and I have been a maverick mayor and maverick governor of a maverick state fighting maverick Russians, and John McCain has been a maverick senator battling a maverick President and before that he was a maverick war maverick hero. We have a maverick economy and it's going to take mavericks to get it under maverick control with maverick oversight and maverick deregulation. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Have I mentioned maverick? Maverick.

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Q: Do you like cats?

SP: . . .

Q: Do. You. Like. Cats. ?

SP: . . .

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Q: What did you have for dinner?

SP: We ate dinner. We had lots of food.

Q: What, specifically, did you eat?

SP: People think we don't eat up there in Alaska because it's so cold, but I assure you we do.

Q: Seriously. Name one dinner item.

SP: There was that movie where Russian vampires came to Alaska and they ate people, but that was fiction. As long as I have been governor there have been no Russian vampires in Alaska. That's why I have foreign policy experience, because I have successfully kept Russian vampires out of Alaska.

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Q: If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and Mexico, where would they bury the survivors?

SP: That's a trick question! You wouldn't bury the survivors because of health care reform. . . that. . . and foreign countries. . . with the economy!

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Q. LOL Do you like me? Y / N

SP: WHY AREN'T YOU ASKING OBAMA ANY OF THESE TOUGH QUESTIONS?!?

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