Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Things That God Hates

Remember back in the Old Testament when a wrathful God would level entire cities and turn women into salt because they were too sinful and God was sick of their shit? Some people have raised the point that God doesn't take nearly as much interest in the world as He used to. Christians argue that God doesn't need to because we now lay all our sins on Jesus and it's up to Him to forgive us. However, maybe for all of those who aren't Christian, God is still around to scare the heathen out of us, but we just don't see it.

We see the wrath of God as readily as we see His miracles, only these dys we explain it away with fancy concepts like science and nature and humanity. Keep in mind, though, that God created science and nature and humanity, so it only stands to reason that He can use these things to mass punish large groups of sinners. So let's take a look at a few of the modern things it seems God hates, and what He has decided to do about it.

Biodiesel
Through a process millions of years in the making, God has provided us a cheap, easy, and abundant fuel source. Technically, I really doubt that was what God had intended for oil, but I'm sure He knew that's what would end up happening and He decided to do it anyway. Perhaps the sole purpose of oil was originally intended as a food source for certain types of bacterial that feed on oil.

Well over the course of a hundred years, we've nearly depleted this food and / or energy sourcethat has taken millions of years to create, and we've furthermore turned it into a way of destroying our own environmental habitat. Due to our shortsightedness, we're now scrambling to find a safe and reliable alternative energy source while draining the last of the one we have. Due to our greed, we're trying to find one that the current corporations can adapt and exploit. Enter: biodiesel.

I doubt many care more whether or not the oil companies profit than George W. Bush. So when someone proposed that we could turn plants into a fuel source compatable with the current petroleum infrastructure, of course he jumped on it. Benefits included having an internal, American-made fuel source, boosting the agricultural economy, and the renewability of vegetable crops. However one factor I don't think weighed very heavily in the decision was the dependability of agriculture. Weather conditions have to be perfect, consistently, year after year, to create a steady supply of useable crops, and over the past decade or so the weather has sucked about asconsistently as an abusive alcoholic.

So far, all biodiesel has done is spike food prices almost as drastically as gas prices. We already don't have enough crops to feed the population of the world, and we're going to turn part of what we do have into fuel? It's little wonder God saw fit to barrage the American farmland in the Midwest with enough rain to quite literally demolish entire cities. Maybe it's His way of telling us to find a smarter way to commute.

Celebrities
We've given them fortune many of them don't deserve and indulgences we can only covet. We've elevated them onto a pedistal and adored them in ways that parallel the Greco-Roman gods while their lives of hedonistic excess flaunt a defiant middle finger at the Will of God.

It only makes sense that the majority of the most greedy and licentious of them live in a state that God has been actively trying repeatedly to annihilate since its inception. If earthquakes, tsunamis, clouds of toxic gasses, and the leadership of Arnold Schwarzenegger weren't enough of a hint, now He's just settled on a complete slash-and-burn of the entire state. Sure thousands of innocents will suffer for the sins of the few, but I didn't exactly see Alec Baldwin rushing in to find just one righteous man either.

If America gives us the celebrities we deserve, then apparently what we deserve is to be cleansed by fire. If I lived in Washington DC, I'd watch out because one God's done wiping out the celebrities in California, I'm sure our politicians will be the next group of flagrant sinners to face His wrath.

Spring Break
At first I had a hard time trying to figure out just what problem God had with Florida, because it's quite obvious He has some problem with the state. Could it be old people? Oranges? The staggering inability to vote? For a while, I was going on the assumption that God must hate Disney World. Sure these days the Disney corporation seems committed to corrupting our youth with adult euphemisms and hidden genitalia parading around in colorful cartoons about cute animals. Sure Disney World is the eyelet on the tip of a state shaped like a giant penis and full of child molestors dressed in costumes that, at best, represent an affront to God's creation. Surely the Gulf Coast is ravaged by hurricanes every single year because God is trying to wipe Disney World off the face of the Earth.

However, I later realized that the hurricanes ripped through more than just Florida. They leveled New Orleans a few years ago, and otherwise they plague every one of the tropical resort islands southeast of Florida. That's when it occurred to me that it's not the Disney corporation that God is spiting, but all the moron college kids that flock to these vacation hot spots to get drunk and have sex every single year during their spring break.

Take one look at the sweaty anorexics you'd only take the time of day in real life to bury a hatchet in their skull Sutter Cain-style so drunk they are easily pursuaded to flash their breasts or engaged in full-on lesbian sex for nothing more than a tee-shirt advertising a video collection that makes millions of dollars and you shouldn't even have to question what God has against the entire Gulf Coast. Consider it retroactive abortions where he can eliminate mass quantities of His most embarrassing mistakes.

Freedom
When the same muscle-bound factory workers that distrust blacks and Hispanics and hate the fags belch out the catchy slogan "God bless America," it makes me wonder if I really want their version of God to bless any of the ground that I walk on. Most of the people who think that God is on America's side also seem to want God to eradicate some other group of people, be it gays, blacks, Arabs, Hispanics, women, or Democrats. They also seem to favor any government action that restricts personal freedoms as long as it promises the illusion of security.

Obviously, God hates freedom. America, the Land of the Free, criminalizes homosexuals, immigrants, and Arabs and to this day still oppresses blacks and women. It's getting far more difficult these days to board an airplane without a body cavity search; you can't trust that your phone conversations aren't being tapped; you can be fined for choosing not to wear a seatbelt while the cops ignore the guy popping wheelies on his crotch rocket at 85 MPH with no helmet; God forbid you try to leave or get back into the country; and women are still to this day not allowed to walk around topless. You can't even smoke in public anymore in some states, not even outside of a building. This is the country that God blesses.

God is so repulsed by our blatant indulgence in freedom in the past that He actually manipulated events to allow George W. Bush to be elected the leader of our country not once, but twice, both times being equally baffling. Since his inauguration, Bush has possibly done more to erode Americans' personal freedoms than any single individual since the freedom-hating Agent of God Joseph McCarthy in the 1950's. If he came upon some law that restricted his power to revoke a freedom, Bush would either work around it, bend it, or completely circumvent it as needed to see that freedom destroyed. All, he claims, in the name of God.

In fact, if you don't believe me, just ask any fringe cult leader in Texas or any clergy member in the Middle East what God's official position on freedom is, and I'm sure they'll shoot you point-blank in the face for speaking out of turn to question their authority.


np: The Monkees - "Admiral Mike"

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