Sunday, August 24, 2008

Fun and Safe Driving For Dummies

One time, I was in the left lane, planning on moving over to the left turn lane, and some guy in a green pickup in the right lane next to me wanted to race to get to the left turn lane in front of me and I didn't let him and he got so mad he cleaned his face like a fly. True story. What do you, the viewers at home, think?

One time I attempted a tango and took out a bridge.

Then you put on some Prodigy and give yourself a seizure.

How do I avoid things that catch me breaking the law while I'm obeying the law?

I make this argument every single day, but the boss insists that I have to get out of bed if I want to earn pay.

They don't care nearly as much about what's inconvenient to you as they do about ensuring their subcontractors get paid over some other organization.

Whew! For a second there, I thought he might have been talking to me but then I realized that I have a car so I'm off the hook.

Fuck that; it's my tight space and you can't have any.

The problem with your theory is that most drivers are idiots, and you're just enabling them. It's actually through the power of a sturdy middle finger that the world is made a better place.

I remember when I first started driving I thought those blinking orange lights were a signal for me to pray for the sweet release of death. However, now that I'm a driving master, I realize that turning left is a perfectly normal driving experience.

My last car accident occurred while I was inside a store and some career bar slut backed into it, freaked out, and sped away. To avoid the accident, I probably could have killed her before she left the store because I had a feeling she'd tack one more stupid thing onto the list of charges that began with the decision to crawl out from her mother's depths, so I'll mark that a yes.

np: Yes - "Birthright"


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