Monday, June 09, 2008

Late Quote Roundup #24

Not only have I been slacking on my quote collecting lately, but I'm a week late in updating them. Sorry, I've been having computer troubles again, and it has been hindering my desire to collect funny or interesting things people have written or said. Wait until you see the staggeringly small showing for May's comic strips.

That is behind me now, though, so I should be more inclined to save and share the quotes and comics and videos I liked the most. Maybe. We'll see. This is Number 24, which means I've been presenting quotes for roughly two years now. After I include these, I'll have roughly eleven hundred and eighty-seven quotes on random rotation under the header. Moral of the story: I like quotes.

"Hey, want to rent a couch? Nobody else does, but we figure somebody has to be stupid enough to rent furniture." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Demographics

"Minorities earning less than 20K annually are the worst. At least the whites have the good decency to move into trailer parks located adjacent to toxic waste dumps and calmly wait to be vacuumed into the sky by God's erase tool." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Demographics

"I don't think too many porn actresses are Christian. If they are, they're not doing a very good job at it." — me,
here

"The Smurfs sing someone to death. Don’t fuck with Smurfs." — composite quote of Todd Ciolek,
Topless Robot: The 10 Most Insane, Child-Warping Moments of '80s Cartoons

"If you're unhappy on the plane, jump out of it. That's the problem with metaphors. Yes, what if you're in an ice cream truck, and outside are candy and flowers and virgins? You're on a plane. We're all on planes. Life is dangerous and complicated and it's a long way down. You're afraid to change. You'd rather imagine that you can escape instead to actually try because if you fail, then you've got nothing. So you'll give up the chance of something real so that you can hold on to hope. The thing is, hope is for sissies."
— House, Living The Dream

"I am carrot. Roar!" — me,
My Important Political Address

"For all you teen-aged mothers with no moral compass or self-respect, here's a real simple guide. Thirty-four is officially too old to wear pink sweat pants with the word 'BRAT' across the butt and try to sleep with all your daughter's boyfriends." — me,
Mother's Day NOT Porn

"You know what is thicker than blood? Roofing tar." — me,
Mother's Day NOT Porn

"James Randi and Richard Dawkins are like the patron saints of Atheism. For a couple of guys not into religion they sure do have a lot of worthless assholes worshiping them." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: Dare 2 Share

"Galatians 5:2 reads 'Behold, I Paul say unto you, that if ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing.' Is it necessarily healthy for Jesus to be that preoccupied with the condition of my penis?" — me,
here

"How many of you cynical jerks can honestly say you started a church and that church has its own navy?" — Zack Parsons on L. Ron Hubbard,
The 11 Most Awful Museums To Visit This Summer

"They think badly. That's the definition of 'crazy.'"
— Dr. Foreman on House

"Even when a girl is free she isn't really free. Apparently you have to feed them or give them sunlight or something. Total fucking rip off. Buy an iguana." — OKCupid user CarsAreScary in the OKCupid forums,
here

"Hey raccoon. Washing garbage before you eat it doesn't make it not garbage." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"Wasps love picnics and I love a cool drink of cream soda that stings the roof of my mouth." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"The rattlesnake is nature's landmine." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"Sure, parrots are cool, but you can teach kids to swear too, and they'll stop screaming and pooping indiscriminately after a couple of years." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"Snails are just M&Ms for ducks." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"I like how bats share their name with the most sporting way to destroy them." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"Pet dogs kill more people every year than mountain lions have in the whole history of the United States, which means they both suck at their jobs." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"The opossum is one animal that hasn't been threatened by human encroachment, since its natural habitat is under tires." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"If shrimp lived in trees, a truck would come around and spray for them." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks II

"'USA' is not pronounced 'Oosa'. The Statue of Liberty is not the President of 'Oosa America'." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful's Awful Movie Database: Hasten 88 Unctuous

"The moon is not a continent." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful's Awful Movie Database: Hasten 88 Unctuous

"I love how some guys honestly believe that as long as they're not on the receiving end they can still call themselves straight even though it doesn't change the fact that they're still fucking a dude." — me,
CraigsList Is Gay

"This is the reason why some people should be euthanized and others shouldn't." — me,
CraigsList Is Gay

"Yippee! Killing is wrong." — iGod,
Convsersations With God 2

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home