Sunday, June 29, 2008

It's Easiest To Be An Asshole To A Vlogger

Over the past decade and a half, the Internet has provided fertile breeding ground for the most vile and reprehensible aspects of humanity's dark nature, but in that time nothing more wretched has sprung forth from the murky depths of Cyberspace than the concept of the vlog.

When I first came across the earliest incarnations of blogs, way back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and practically the sole source of Internet access was America Online which provided AOL Hometown pages, I read stupid teenagers writing in alternating caps against contrasting backgrounds in shades of retina-melting pink about their boring teenager lives and people no one gave two fucks about, and I thought blogs were the most idiotic things ever. Thankfully over the years blogs evolved into outlets with the capacity for brilliant, entertaining, and thought-provoking writing as well as stupid teenagers writing about their boring teenager lives.

Well, never one to rest on its laurels, the Internet had to one-up itself by combining the idea of low quality streaming video with the idea of blogs so now you could see the stupid teenagers rambling on about their boring teenager lives. The problem I have with vlogs is that none of them are entertaining. Granted, these are still in their formative years, much like when blogs first started, and already we're seeing professional entertainers create professionally scripted videos, but for the most part everybody who creates vlogs are at best boring and at worst annoying, and they should all stop cluttering up my YouTube search results for 80s music videos and cartoon clips.

The types of people who create vlogs can be broken down into three distinct categories. The first is the total camera hams who believe that "great acting ability" consists of contorting their faces like Jim Carrey having a stroke while on crack and gushing like melodramatic spazzes. The second is the people who have nothing to say but will drone on about it for fifteen minutes anyway, punctuating their long, silent, brain-racking pauses with such brilliant observations as "Um" and "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh........." The third, and probably worst of all, is any combination of the first two, where the people have absolutely nothing to say, but say it in the most spastic, flashy way possible, contorting their faces in impossible configurations while they thoughtfully reflect on "Hmmmmmmmmmm........"

So today, I'm going to take out my vehement, Gestapo-like hatred on all things vlog by disproving that age-old Internet addage that it's easier to be an asshole to words than to people. Keep in mind that these are by far not even the worst that the vlogging community has to offer us. I don't have the time or the psychological resolve to invest in researching these like the writers at SomethingAwful do. I just typed "vlog" into the search engine and picked the first ten distinctly lame videos that came up in the search results.

I like how fifteen seconds into it her dog is like, "AW FUCK THIS SHIT!!"

I keep hoping someone empowers her to drop her laptop into the bathtub.

Right now, every one of us envies her cat's ability to cause her physical harm.

Being naked is the last reason she should worry about her family and coworkers seeing this video.

This is what Betty Boop would look like in real life.

If her future husband were ever arraigned for her gruesome murder, this video would be his ticket to freedom.

My top five favorite things ever are all this girl shutting the fuck up.

If Dave Coulier's dad fucked David Arquette's mom, the resulting offspring wouldn't be funny either.

It's okay to have nothing to say as long as you're naked and cute while saying it.

the best video you can create is while you're sick, it's safe to say your only life's purpose is to stand as a warning against huffing spray paint.


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