Thursday, May 01, 2008

Quote Roundup #23

Sorry. I know a lot of you have been funny and interesting in April, but whether through weariness, apathy, or depression I failed to capture nearly any quotes. Yeah, an embarrassing percentage of these are my own, simply because it was the easiest to backtrack. This month, I'll try to be more on the ball.

"It's always time for Scarlett Johansson's breasts. Granny's funeral? Time for Scarlett Johansson's breasts. Cousin Lilly — who is as pure as her name implies — having a wedding? Perfect time for Scarlett Johansson's breasts." — "crackedmyself,"

"Never accept a ride from a whale, even if he claims to be a friend of your parents and tries to lure you into his van with brine. Whales are notoriously bad drivers." — Dennis Farrell,
SomethingAwful: Whale Advisory

"The best part about having to walk with a limp is getting to pretend I'm House." — me,
Welcome To The Upgraded Civility LiveJournal 1.5

"My Subway sandwich was made by a real Sandwich Artist. Unfortunately, it looks more like the artist was that guy who covered the Virgin Mary in elephant shit." — me,
Welcome To The Upgraded Civility LiveJournal 1.5

"Cleaning up animal waste is just a natural part of owning a pet. Just be glad we chose to domesticate dogs and cats, and not elephants or moose or something." — me, in my OKCupid journal,

"I could explain Moment of Truth to my kids easily: Don't be disgusting sleazebags and lie about it to everyone you know. God forbid we have to explain the concept of right and wrong to our kids, though; I think it's been repeatedly proven best for them to figure things out on their own." — me,
Blaspheming American Idol

"Anyone who's traveled abroad knows that foreign language is just a lie the Liberal media pushes on us to make us believe we need schools to teach our children to make weird sounds." — me,
Fun With Highlander

"You know what? Love isn't blind. It's retarded." — Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men

"'Children are the future' is a common saying we've all heard a million times before. Basically, what it means is that the future is small and easy to beat up." — Josh Boruff,
SomethingAwful: Tips And Tricks, Volume 2

"If it takes a holiday to get me to pray, I'm doing it wrong." — Shinga,

To attempt to make up for my lack of quotes this month, I found a handful of House quotes that need to be added to my rotation.

"If we're all just satisfied with what we have, what a beautiful world it would be. We'd all slowly starve to death in our own filth, but at least we'd be happy."

"Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it's great, but so you know, I've never made a tree."

"Cheese is the Devil's plaything."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants but that's not going to help with this particular trick."

"Its not what you think! I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually we're having sex."

"There is no I in team; but there is a me if you jumble it up."

"'Never' is just 'reven' spelt backwards."

"See, skinny, socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is normal. Everyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken, and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized, or worse, pitied."

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere, and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid. I envy him."


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