Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day NOT Porn

It's Mother's Day once again, and this year I didn't bring you excerpts from a porn forum. It was difficult finding a forum dedicated to handing out motherly advice, but I found one where a small community of mothers from New Jersey hang out to try to figure out this wild new motherhood experience. It wasn't really topheavy in its stupidity, but this is the Interent, so if you look hard enough you'll find it. Maybe next year I'll look for a MILF Hunter forum or something.

One thing I did learn was that I never knew how terrified over the prospect of raising children until I read these posts. Apparently all they do is take up your free time, siphon your money, and exchange it for puke. Then you realize that you're going to be preparing them to live in a world that we have pretty much ravaged to irrecoverable doom, and the prospect doesn't seem anywhere near worth the effort. Happy Mother's Day!

For all you teen-aged mothers with no moral compass or self-respect, here's a real simple guide. Thirty-four is officially too old to wear pink sweat pants with the word "BRAT" across the butt and try to sleep with all your daughter's boyfriends.


You just lent a lot of credence to the whole never-leave-the-kitchen argument.


Nineteen is too old to go to the restroom with mom.


I think you should show him who's boss and have another one anyway.


Sure they're cute and cuddly now, but then they grow into destructive morons that hemorrhage money and eventually hate everything you stand for. Another baby is also ill-advised.


Dogs don't have races, unless "dogs" is what someone told you your African slaves are called.


By the time they get to be college age, the military will be desperate enough to accept even the dumbest, fattest kids, so you needn't be too worried.


I think someone's a little too pro-choice to offer advice on when to stop having kids.


Considering that your kid is likely going to go straight to the back yard and start chowing down on clumps of dirt, I think an old lady's lips will be the cleanest thing that touches your child's hand, you impressionable spaz.


If all you have for support is an anonymous Internet forum, then you've already lost the race. Aww, did I hurt your feelings? Here's an idea: GET OFF THE INTERNET. Talk to your husband or mother or therapist or whatever you have.


Won't ignoring ignorance just add to the problem?


You know what is thicker than blood? Roofing tar.


That is a very rational argument, and I wholeheartedly agree with your position.

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