Saturday, April 12, 2008

Depression Chronicles, Volume 3

I am suffering the worst kind of writer's block this week. It's not even really a writer's block. Writer's block is when you want to write but can't think of anything to write. I've lost the desire to write. I've wrestled with it all day, but my week has gotten progressively worse and it's thrust me into a bout of depression with no end in sight.

I'm just tired of fearing that it'll one day be verified that I'm not as talented as I think I am. I'm tired of worrying that I'll never realize even my simplest dreams. I'm tired of clinging to the hope of something that I know deep down will never happen. I'm tired of never feeling any better no matter how much my life improves.

Over the past couple years, I've wondered, despite the clinical diagnosis, if I actually had depression or if it was just a combination of poor coping skills, an oppressive organization, and perhaps a cry for attention because I had been managing fine with only minor relapse without medication. However, it's times like this that verify beyond the shadow of a doubt that I really do have a moderate to severe depressive anxiety disorder. It's the only way I can explain feeling this morose when I should finally be feeling optimistic.

I miss my medication. Maybe if I had that, I wouldn't feel so down right now. Where I should be elated, I can only worry. Where I should be feeling wanted, I only feel alone. Where I should be feeling hopeful, I can only feel doubt. I wish I could numb myself to the fear so I could just be happy like normal people. I can feel the fear and the despair mounting, too. I worry that it might culminate in my doing something I'd regret because an animal can only be pushed so far before it starts pushing back, and that worry just feeds the worries that are feeding it.

I've been told that anxiety begets depression. The fear of an outcome will manifest as apathy. Even when I try to overcome the apathy and embrace the challenge, something happens to ruin my plans. Is it worth even trying? I guess I'll just have to keep worrying and continue losing all interest in my hobbies in the meantime. I suppose I should go lay down and pity myself to sleep. Maybe next week I'll feel like writing again, but don't count on it. Sometimes I wonder if it's even still worth it.


Blogger MrsMelvin said...

No wonder I felt so drawn to your general personality and sarcasm. Hope things are better for you now. Just so you know, I feel the same way, even with medication.

11:36 AM  

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