Saturday, March 29, 2008

Open Letters

Dear LiveJournal,

Stop taking three minutes to load each page. While you're at it, also return my default font size back to "visible."

Thanks,
Me

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Dear Blogger,

Stop malfunctioning only when I want to upload pictures.

Thanks,
Me

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Dear U2,

Stop performing virtually the exact same show every single tour that you have done since 1992, only with a few new songs scattered about.

Thanks,
Me

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Dear Frito Lay,

Please bring back your Four Cheese Kettle Cooked Lays potato chips. They were the only Kettle Cooked Lays worth buying. They were the only Kettle Cooked Lays that didn't smell like a box of burning feet when you open the bag.

Thanks,
Me

P.S. Doritos suck. I find that whenever I eat them I feel like crap because they're made from crap by crappy people for crappy people. You should look into this matter.

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Dear Propel,

You know how many calories is in plain, ordinary drinking water? Zero.

Consider it,
Me

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Dear Nature,

Stop snowing on us already. It's March. This isn't Montana.

Thanks,
Me

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Dear Plaque,

Plaque is for teeth, not arteries. Please stay in our mouths and out of our hearts.

kthanxbye,
Me

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Dear MPAA,

I am officially advocating the boycott of any parody movie whose title ends with the word "movie." You keep releasing these, yet you believe online file-sharing is the primary thing affecting your profits?

Cordially,
Me

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Dear Emperors Club VIP,

From what the national news has told me, your escort services run anywhere from $1,000 to $5,000 an hour. I'm sure those are some classy hookers, but I'm kind of on a limited budget. I was wondering if you had any discount models, maybe some irregulars. How much would you charge if, say, one leg was longer than the other? Or she were missing an arm? Or she had a mild schizophrenic disorder? I think a mild schizophrenic disorder would make a pretty fun date. Ed Harris would show up and we could go on a crazy adventure that only she could see and hear.

I appreciate your attention on this matter,
Me

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Dear Golden Corral,

Considering the types of people one would expect to find at a cheap all-you-can-eat buffet in the Midwest, one would think you'd make the spaces between the booths and the tables just a little bit wider.

Cordially,
Me

P.S. You suck like Doritos.

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Dear Pizza Hut,

Thanks for ruining 60's beach music. I appreciate that.

Fuck,
Me

P.S. You suck like raw molten ass, and your food makes people sick.

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Dear AOL,

No one gives a shit about you or your crappy web service. Please stop bugging me about your update for your Instant Messenger. I'll install it when I get around to it, which will likely be a quarter past never. You're not that damn important.

Thanks,
Me

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