Saturday, March 08, 2008

None Of The Election News That's Fit To Print

Is it just me, or does the United States Presidential election process get more and more absurd every time we have one? I wonder if other nations have it as bad as us, with the dignified appointed representatives of their countires behaving with all the decorum the sweaty drunk guy at the bar at 2:30 AM trying to court the affection of the overweight, gimpy schizophrenic chick so he doesn't have to go home empty-handed and then slipping a Roofie into her drink when she isn't looking.

In the Middle Eastern countries, doesn't the dominant political party win the election by bombing the national headquarters of their rival and then forcing everybody to choose between voting for them or facing gruesome deaths in front fo their families? Then our President calls the election un-democratic and refuses to acknowledge the new leader even though that never changes anything and our President eventually does resign to acknowledging it? I think those elections have more dignity than ours anymore. At least Hamas opts against the bears riding unicycles that generally amounts to our election process. I think we should all choose one fictional character to write-in vote this year, just to see how the government handles it if the overwhelming majority of America demands Batman as our President.

Recently Hillary Clinton released a commercial ensuring us that when disaster strikes while our children are asleep at three in the morning, she will be diligently at work behind her desk in the Oval Office in full business attire, like some sort of Terminator President who never sleeps and never eats and is designed to do one perfect thing: govern the country. I'm not sure if she was making an indirect jab at Senator Obama's lack of Presidential experience, or at President Bush keeping America safe by literally reading a children's book when the worst terrorist attack ever perpetrated on American soil went down.

You'd think her people would be more wary of such logical flaws considering that they work for a woman who is married to a man who was, at one time, the President of the United States. Unfortunately Bill Clinton was fired from Hillary's campaign after he lept off the stage and mauled an crowd member to death with his teeth, so they couldn't ask him. It's okay though, because she brought that supporter back to life in the form of a small black cat that sits at the straw end of the broomstick she uses to fly to each event.

Meanwhile although it seems like he loses to Hillary Clinton in every state he campaigns in, Barack Obama still has more delegate votes which means that technically he's winning. I don't really understand how someone who consistently loses the popular vote can still win an election, but this time at least it's working in our favor so I probably shouldn't bring it to anyone's attention.

People are still hung up on the fact that two of Barack Hussein Obama's names sound suspiciously like the names of two of our sworn enemies. This is absurd, and proof that our country needs to grow up. I'm going to put this another way. All of you so-called patriots who honestly believe that Obama might be a terrorist because his name sounds similar to Osama need to consider this. John Wayne is one of America's most beloved heroic patriotic film icons. John Wayne Gacy was a pedophiliac serial killer. By your logic, either John Wayne was also a pedophile and a serial killer, or John Wayne Gacy was a patriotic American icon. From now on, I'm also going to be suspicious of anybody named Charles because they are obviously affiliated with any one or all of Charles Manson, the Viet Cong, or Scott Baio.

Two of the American Idol contestants this season are named Danny Noriega and Jason Castro, and so far only Noriega has been voted off. Barack Obama earned himself a coveted seat in the Top 12 after his searing rendition of "Safety Dance" when the theme was songs from the Eighties. I think we need to do something about all these people in our country who are named after terrorist dictators, like force them to change their name. Also, people named Charles because, really, who would want to be named that if they really stopped to think about it?

Someone threw a bomb from a bicycle at a military recruiting station in Times Square over the past week, and Hillary Clinton's campaign jumped on the chance to insist that it proves Barack Obama doesn't have any leadership ability at all. Apparently if Hillary Clinton were a New York Senator, the bomb would have never exploded, but rather just bounced harmlessly off the front door of the recruiting station due to her natural bomb-dampening pheromes or something. I the one thing that all the candidates can agree on is that it was ultimately Bush's fault.

I think the most important update on the campaign trail was Mike Huckabee resigning from the Republican nomination after getting crushed like an evangelist at a Slayer concert by the simple fact that John McCain isn't quite as much of a stark raving lunatic. This is a good thing because Mike Huckabee was going to keep campaigning despite the fact that he had no chance of winning until the ultrasonic radio waves he receives from God told him to stop. Apparently they did, and we no longer have to listen to him ramble about his love for a God that cursed him with eyes that look in two different directions at once. Of course, I've noticed that John McCain seems to look around the room disoriented during sessions of applause like he suddenly forgot where he is, but at least he runs less of a risk of walking straight into any I-beams.

With Mike Huckabee out of the way, George W. Bush gave his support to John McCain, which should go a long way toward dooming his campaign. Of course, it was only customary that the Republican President shows his support for the leading Republican candidate, and the leading Republican candidate accepts that support. Although I bet it was a fairly tense meeting between the two. I'm pretty sure Bush was at least slightly disappointed with the Republican front-runner. As someone who once claimed that he believes God speaks through him, I think George W. Bush would have rather supported Mike Huckabee, the only man who could claim to have been in bed with God while He spoke through Bush.

Honestly I think Bush is hoping Hillary wins because they're already familiar with sharing the White House with the Clintons, and it'll make the traditional wife swap that much less awkward.

np: Peter Gabriel - "Red Rain"


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