Thursday, March 20, 2008

Losing The War Against Stingrays

You may recall, about a year and a half ago, in response to the brutal murder of famed conservatinalist and treasured national icon Steve Irwin at the hands of the merciless stingrays, I called out for the wanton elimination of all stingrays because you never can be too sure. I could see the signs, even if no one else could. People thought I was crazy. Scientists insisted that stingrays are harmless and that Steve Irwin was an overly hyper nut job that dangled his babies over crocodiles. My warnings were never heeded.

Biologists claim that the stingrays' lances of doom are used for defense purposes only, but I have reason to believe that the stingrays have been stockpiling their weapons, waiting for the right opportunity to attack. The day Steve Irwin fell will be forever imprinted in our minds as a new day of infamy. I suggested we not rest until the stingrays were brought to justice. I suggested we seek them out in their own habitats and hold them accountable for their crimes against humanity. I asked every nation in every region to make the decision: either you are with us, or you are with the stringrays.

Apparently, you sided with the stingrays. We sent Colin Powell to the United Nations for support in eliminating the stingray menace, but the United Nations backed down. Now the deadly beasts have brought their unholy war into American waters. Thanks a lot, world. Without the support of our allies, our campaign to take the war to the stingrays has been met with adversity. Some of our brave men and women have been critically injured or have died fighting the good fight against the evil stingrays.

Experts say that violent stingray attacks are rare, but if they're so rare, why have upwards of three people been attacked by stingrays in under two years? Less than two months after Steve Irwin's tragic death at the fins of the vicious stingrays, another man,
James Bertakis of Lighthouse Point, FL, nearly died of a stingray barb through the heart when a stingray jumped out of the water and attacked him on his boat. Just today, a woman was fatally struck by a stingray in the Florida Keys when the creature, again, leapt out of the water and onto her boat.

The stingrays have yet to release a video detailing their heinous agenda, so we have no idea what it is they think we've done to offend them, but it's pretty alarming when the stingrays are not only stabbing beloved national icons through the heart while they're swimming in the ocean, but they're actually leaping onto people's boats to attack them. We need to wake up and realize that it's either us, or the stingrays because so far it seems as though the stingrays are winning the war.

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