Sunday, March 23, 2008

Gelatinous Tubercles Of Purulent Ossifiction

Recently I came across an Internet community where people can go to post really, really bad amateur pictures of themselves naked because they somehow equate low quality Internet porn with exhibitionism. The website boasts that it is the world's best free amateur porn community, but unforutnately, as with anything else that's offered for free, you get exactly what you pay for.

If you want an idea of what you'd expect to see on
this website, the next time you're at Wal-Mart in the middle of the afternoon, picture every single person you see naked. Then imagine you can hear what every single one of them is thinking while they're walking around the store naked and you'll get an idea what the forums are like. As with anything that has to do with sex and stupid people, I found the forum perfect for ridicule, and yes, I realize that it's Easter Sunday and I'm essentially posting porn. Sorry, Jesus.

Somehow I think it was even better for her.

I bet it would involve trash bags and a shovel, actually.

Me Grimlock knock up wife. Make baby. Him strong.

I can't wrap my mind around this concept of wanting to watch your wife with another man, but some of these guys get really specific on what kind of man they want to watch and what his equipment should look like. I think the reality of the situation is that there's something they're just not ready to admit to themselves.

From what I understand, if you eat one you double in size.

One time I got a hooker and left a few beaver pelts on the nightstand.

Okay, imagine you work at the disability center. Now imagine this application comes across your desk.

So the next time the fate of the world hinges on the ability to discern fake Internet profiles, don't depend on the super sleuths in an Internet porn forum.

We're not here to stroke your ego, but I'd suggest doing the world a favor by assuming that, no, you're not.

Quit your job and kill the kids.

Great. Hideous naked people mating with other hideous naked people to make even more hideous people, just what the world needs.

Okay, let's count to three. One. . . Uh. . . FUCK!

Congratulations. You've managed to gross out the entire Internet.

Have you considered trading condoms?


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