Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Quote Roundup #20: LOL, Huckabutt

"Me editor am smartastic." — Bucky's editor, Get Fuzzy

"Do you realize that in the state of Vermont now, they have equipped wilderness campsites with wireless Internet access. It's a great idea, because this way, if I do go camping, and I decide to take a hike, and I come across a form of plant life that I don't recognize, I can immediately run back to the camp site, log on to the Internet, and begin masturbating furiously to pornography." — Dennis Miller, in his HBO Special All In

"And ethanol? Let me tell you something about ethanol. There is no funny joke to be written about ethanol. That's all I have to say about ethanol." — Dennis Miller, in his HBO Special All In

"President Bush feels that the long-term energy problems can be solved with technology, so that's why he's going to go right ahead and drill for technology in Alaska." — Dennis Miller, in his HBO Special All In

"If you're a smoker, and you tell me you didn't know cigarettes were bad for you? Well, you're lying through the hole in your trachea, my friend." — Dennis Miller, in his HBO Special All In

"Now they wanna put microchips inside the pedophiles to keep tabs on 'em. You know what makes it even easier to keep tabs on them? Burials. You don't even need to put a battery into the radar." — Dennis Miller, in his HBO Special All In

"When I was a little kid, I wished the first word I ever said was 'quote' so right before I died I could say 'unquote.'" — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"The reason I'm so laid-back is because in high school I smoked a lot of Ritalin." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"You know, the Earth is bipolar." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"If heat rises, then Heaven might be hotter than Hell." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place." — Steven Wright, When the Leaves Blow Away

"My various orifices can personally produce about five different 'organic' substances, but trust me, nobody in their right mind should drink them." — Rich Kyanka, SomethingAwful: The Great Energy Drink Roundup 2008

"I actively encourage all companies out there to follow suit and ship me crap for no real justifiable reason whatsoever. I'm sure you can figure out a way to write it off your taxes. Claim a warehouse caught fire and burned it down or something. That's what I said when the government asked why I listed 17 Mexican children as dependents." — Rich Kyanka, SomethingAwful: The Great Energy Drink Roundup 2008

"Keep in mind this world is home for a variety of objects and creatures with the potential to be juiced, so 'juice' in itself might not necessarily be a good thing." — Rich Kyanka, SomethingAwful: The Great Energy Drink Roundup 2008

"Everybody dies instantly. It's the only way you can die. You're alive, you're alive, you're alive, then you're dead." — Steven Wright

"What's weird to me is Christians who are against the death penalty because, after all, if it wasn't for the death penalty, we wouldn't celebrate Easter." — Bill Hicks

"The Republicans are squaring off against a Democratic field so resurgent that they actually managed to get out the youth vote in Iowa and nominate their best candidate. That's like seeing a sasquatch climbing up the ramp of a UFO." — Zack Parsons, SomethingAwful: 2009 Presidential Press Conference Preview (The Republicans)

"If there is a way to fuck everything up and lose horribly, the Democrats will find that way." — Zack Parsons, SomethingAwful: 2009 Presidential Press Conference Preview (The Republicans)

"What this guy calls a lifetime of disgust I call a Saturday night." — Hassan Mikal, SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: XXXChurch and I Hate Men

"Too bad stupidity isn't a sin. God should have made that a Commandment. Thou shall not be stupid. Maybe He was afraid He wouldn't have any followers then. Smart fellow, that God." — I'm going to Hell for that one, here

"That little guy is so happy that it looks like he just figured out how to crap up actual cartoons in his diaper. I've honestly never been that happy in my entire life, and I'm not even a dumb baby." — Josh Boruff, SomethingAwful: Art Crimes Against Humanity

"The powerful eagle spots a dumpster full of slimy fish waste, where it lands and gorges itself to death, continuing its role as a shining symbol of American values." — Josh Boruff, SomethingAwful: Art Crimes Against Humanity

"There are just some people who need for everything to be uglier than their own shame." — me, here

"So I went all the way across Siberia alone, and all I came back with was a story about puke… Sorry." — Henry Rollins, Live in the Conversation Pit

"Don't you sometimes just wish you were a bulldog and you could hump a couch leg and cum and fall asleep and go 'That was awesome!' But no, we need to intellectualize everything, and it sucks." — Henry Rollins, Live in the Conversation Pit

"After eight years of George W. Bush, I seriously doubt the country will be ready to vote another Republican into office until at least 2012, when his brother Jeb will run and everyone will vote for him because if there's one thing Americans excel at, it's not learning their goddamned lessons." — me, 2008 Elections Preseason Tryouts

"I will use only about 30 percent of Tahiti for my home. The remainder of Tahiti will be my yard." — Dave Barry, responding to campaign questions, here

"My wife is always asking where I left the kids. Naturally, the answer is, 'Sears!'" — someone asking Dave Barry a question, here

"The problem with using a llama as the national mascot is the Super Bowl opening ceremony. Right now, they have the eagle come swooping down from high up in the stadium to the field, where it lands on the trainer's arm. You try that with a llama, and you are going to have carnage. So I say go for it." — Dave Barry, responding to campaign questions, here

"Huckabee turned around and bent over to fiddle with the amplifier, so for a few seconds the crowd was basically looking directly at the Huckabutt." — Dave Barry, Candidates get their kicks in New Hampshire

"College is very important, because without it we would have hundreds of thousands of college professors suddenly entering the workforce with no useful skills." — Dave Barry, responding to campaign questions, here

"Women generally despise the ocean and everything in it. This stems from centuries of the sea swallowing up sailors and making widows out of their wives. This doesn't happen so much anymore. It was a very hungry sea but it's stuffed from all the sailors. Yum-yum." — Hassan Mikal, SomethingAwful: There Is Nothing Greater In Life Than A Dog On A Boat

"Then you finally get a dog from a place that was somehow approved by everybody you know and it managed to survive the first two weeks in your home. It's fun for a while but then you stand around while the dog breaks everything you own and defiles your wife." — Hassan Mikal, SomethingAwful: There Is Nothing Greater In Life Than A Dog On A Boat

"If you're like me you'll go with the first bank that looks like it might fit the definition of a bank. Don't make the same mistake I did, a guy offering to blow you for $5 is not a bank." — Hassan Mikal, Things You Should Already Know By Now: Opening a Checking Account

"Oh, so what? Big deal. Nature is gross. Film at 11." — Randall, Dume

"Huckabutt" should be coined as a new insult.

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