Monday, February 04, 2008

Open Letter To Two Teenage Girls In Boynton Beach, FL

Dear Two Teenage Girls in Boynton Beach, FL,

I doubt you will ever find this or read it because I'm sure you find it impossible to tear yourself away from your typical Internet activities which I'm pretty sure include fluctuating between the Miley Cyrus message board and stripping naked on webcams for fifty-year-old, overweight perverts to read anything that contains big words and run-on sentences and has the word "civility" prominently displayed in the title.

If the state's attourney's office would release your names, I would use the information to look up your addresses and mail you this letter personally so you could gaze upon it in puzzlement and retort that I'm "stuped." As much as it would amuse me to see your reactions to reading this after shifting it out of the gigantic pile of hate-mail and death threats that the release of your names would surely entail, unfortunately, I cannot, so the only way I can communicate my disappointment in you is anonymously and openly through the Internet in hopes that someone, somewhere, might direct your attention to it so you can leave a comment informing me, in no uncertain terms, that I am "stuped."

When I consider the story, a part of me wants to feel sorry for you. I mean, you stole money from a child. How pathetic do you have to be to have to resort to stealing money from a nine-year-old girl? You must be in pretty dire straights for your heroin fix. So as a momentary peace offering, I offer you my pity. I know it's not much, but at this point, you should take what you can get. You're used to that, right?

So I give you my pity because I am fully aware that you will never amount to anything worthwhile in your lives. I don't need to know your names to understand this. I don't need to keep track of your progress along the path of failure throughout your life. I can rest comfortably knowing full well that with your immaturity and self-entitlement, combined with the right can-do attitude, your career path will plummet straight from college dropout to stripper to crack whore before you're thirty. Eh, why hedge bets? I'll give it twenty-five.

However, despite my pity for your predictable failure at life, I do have to say that I'm disappointed in you. I don't even know you, and yet I'm disappointed in you. That's how remarkably extensive your disappointment reaches, that someone who doesn't know you, who lives thousands of miles away, can still be disappointed in you. Maybe I'm not disappointed in you. Maybe I'm disappointed in the entire culture that bred the wasteful byproducts that you have proven yourself to be. Maybe I'm disappointed in your parents for raising you wrong, for society for influencing you wrong, in you for choosing not to rebel against these influences, and for any number of people for not drowning you in a bathtub during some sort of horrible autoerotic asphixiation accident before you could reach this new threshold of low.

I think what irritates me the most is your refusal to comprehend that what you did was unquestionably inherently wrong. It doesn't matter how much time or effort you put into it, you stole money from a nine-year-old girl. Who even does that? Two answer my own rhetorical question, a coward is who does that. You two girls are nothing but cowards. If you weren't cowardly, you would rob something more qualified to defend itself than a nine-year-old, like a bank, or Henry Rollins.

I have read up on the ten commandments of Satanism. (There are actually twelve, because Satanists are notoriously bad at counting.) Every single one of those commandments outline the basic underlying philosophy of the religion to take what you want and destroy anyone who gets in your path, except for one. You know what that one commandment states? "Do not harm children." That's right, by your actions and justifications, not only are you pathetic, but you are more evil than people who willingly worship the most evil entity in all of creation. Congratulations, you should feel proud; you have actually accomplished something in your otherwise meaningless wastes of life.

What troubles me most is your unwillingness to comprehend that what you did was in any way wrong. If you just had an error in judgment and made a mistake and were apologetic or remorseful, even crestfallen or sullen about it, then I could forgive you. When you said that, "We went through all that effort to get it, we got all these charges and we had to give the money back. I'm kind of pissed," well that's what happens when you commit a crime. Planning and effort to take money from someone else does not equate earning the money. In order to earn money, you have to give something for what you're getting. The only thing you're giving here is karma a reason to kick your ass later on down the line when you're rotting in a gutter somewhere after stuffing your third unwanted pregnancy into a back alley dumpster.

You know what I used to do when I was seventeen and "needed money"? I got a fucking job, you lazy, little spoiled cum dumpsters. I gave my time in service to someone else in exchange for the money I received. I turned out to be pretty good at the whole working thing, and it has worked out well for me in terms of keeping the cash flow coming in and the jail time down to a minimum.

By your own logic, though, theoretically, you're saying that you'd be perfectly fine if I were to come down to Florida and steal from you, right? As long as I put some planning and effort into it, you wouldn't mind that I stole something from you, you being a younger, dumber, and weaker person than I am, right? You're saying that you wouldn't require that I give back to you what I stole from you, because that's the exact same thing you're expecting this nine-year-old girl to do for you. Entitlement is a two-way street. If you feel you're entitled to take from this girl and not have to give it back, then I should be entitled to take from you and not be required to give it back as well. I don't think, though, that you'd have anything worth me taking. You obviously don't have any money, and I'm pretty sure you both have already lost your virginity along any last remaining fragments of your dignity and self-worth, so quite frankly, you have nothing of value left to offer the world that would be worth taking.

At this point, just to further inspire your wrath, I would resort to insulting your parents, but it looks like you've already beaten me to it.



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