Sunday, February 24, 2008

Online Dating Guide, Part 15: Stupid Profiles 3

Just to prove that I'm not going to the dating sites just to look at the pictures, here are some more of the many ways in which a dating site profile can fail. Maybe I'm being too critical, but I would prefer my prospective mate not be a) stupid, or b) a whore. I'm starting to believe that might be asking too much.

Thank you for the wealth of choices.

Does that mean I get to whack her? Like, with a mallot?

The Internet isn't Pokémon. You don't gotta catch 'em all.

She's a rebellion of one.

She hasn't quite got the hang capitalism just yet, but she's trying.

Either "Rikbud" doesn't know how to use the Internet, or he's the ugliest woman ever.

I like how "Rikbud" put "genuinely" in parentheses. He doesn't want anyone masquerading as a female like he is.

How do I shot guns?

I love these two paragraphs. Together they reveal a great deal about the personality we're dealing with here. "I wanted to be a party whore all my life, but now I have to grow up and it sucks, but I don't want people to think I resent my babies for ruining my life."

Since this is a dating website, the proper sentence for the question mark to follow is "I look forward to hearing from you."

That sounds. . . disturbing. Do they crunch?

Remember Clerks 2? A large clitoris is pretty much just a small penis. It really doesn't help matters that JohnNiceguy2 looks like
Macaulay Culkin ready for hot, gay man-sex, either.


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