Monday, February 11, 2008

Lost Post: The State of the Union In 2008

The following is a post I meant to publish between January 28th and February 2nd. Unfortunately, time got away from me as a lot of stuff was happening around that time, and I didn't actually get around to finishing the post until just last night. So here it is. Hopefully this won't be this week's sole post, but you never know with me these days.

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We are a nation at war, trillions of dollars in debt, on the brink of another economic depression, and divided by some of the most fierce partisan politics battles since at least 2006. This is what our President faced when he approached the rostrum Monday night to deliver his final State of the Union Address, and how could you describe his demeanor as he prepared to deliver his address? Actually, kind of jovial. Yes, our President walked down the aisle and addressed the nation with the shit-eating smirk of a kid who got away with breaking the country and handing it over to someone else to fix. His demeanor gave the impression that just behind the smile the whole time, his brain was shouting "Last time, bitches!" loud enough that we're pretty sure Senator Ted Stevens was confusing it for mind-altering radio waves sent via pneumatic ducts straight from the Internet. All he wants is the Internet that his staff emailed him two years ago, but all these damn kids keep downloading their porn movies to clog the tube his that leads to his office.

The State of the Union Adress has kind of become my Super Bowl. I realized, about two weeks into January, that it was January, and the State of the Union Adress was coming up, and I was excited in ways no rational person should be for two full weeks. I don't understand why so many people ignore the State of the Union Address. 50 million Americans tune into the American Idol auditions every week, yet if you ask anyone if they watched our President address the nation, they all say, "I don't want to watch that idiot talk!" Why not?! Watching the President try to stumble his way through a speech is the only great thing about having a world leader with the mentality of a seven-year-old. The only thing greater than watching him deliver a scripted speech is watching him trying to wing it to the press corps. That is truly great comedy. By eight o'clock Monday night, I was standing in front of the television, jumping up and down, wagging my fingers at the TV and shouting at all the Congresspeople to sit down and shut the fuck up to let the man speak. I was shouting, "Come on, come oooonnnn!! Hit me with some stupid!!" You know it's only a matter of time before he does. With Bush, it doesn't take past the first paragraph. It's like a drug, and I was jonesing bad. It's been a long time, Mr. President.


"Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens. These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it's fair to say we've answered the call. Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government."
When you're thrust into a position of leadership, right or wrong, sometimes it's best to just make a decision. Other times, it sends entire nations into total turmoil.

"In this election year, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. Let us show them that Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time."
And I will override every vote you cast that I don't like. That's how power works. See, it's like this: It's awesome.

"We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens. And so in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives for their futures."
Dude, go out in public much? The collective wisdom of the ordinary citizens has considerable trouble trying to operate the pump at a typical gas station.

"To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy. As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty. America has added jobs for a record 52 straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. At kitchen tables across our country, there is a concern about our economic future."
I still don't get where he finds his employment data. I think he just scrolls through the want ads of the local newspaper and thinks that twelve of the exact same "MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY AT HOME!!!" scams or temp agency ads in a row somehow means that unemployment must be on the decline.

"This is a good agreement that will keep our economy growing and our people working. And this Congress must pass it as soon as possible."
Don't even waste your time thinking about it, just railroad that motherfucker straight through the door!

"And members of Congress should know: If any bill raises taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it." "So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I'll send it back to you with my veto."
New game for George W. Bush. Count up how many times he uses the word "veto" and the word "terror" in a speech just to see which one wins. The legacy of George W. Bush will most likely be summed up with two words, "veto" and "terror," unless the words "corruption" and "failure" end up sticking more predominantly in people's minds.

"Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow state housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. These are difficult times for many American families, and by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes."
It might help if Congress would make it illegal for unscrupulous lending agencies to sell someone a house just to make commission and sell their loan to some bank in Germany or Afghanistan who couldn't give two shits about the American economy if you fed them laxatives. Maybe also somehow hold classes to teach middle class Americans how to fucking read fine print on their contracts. But God forbid we stop letting rich people make a profit off the ignorant stupidity of the working class.

"The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits."
It would probably help us with the junk lawsuits if the FDA would stop approving every drug that comes across its desk whose side-effects include growing giant goiters on men's penises, and growing penises on women for the purpose of having giant goiters grown on them. I'm just sayin'.

"Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results."
This is a true statement.

"On trade, we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas."
Except that when new markets open overseas, American workers lose their jobs because to people overseas, twenty cents a day American is like a quarter of a million dollars in their economy. Here's an idea, why don't we put American workers to work making things we can export and kill two birds with one stone. Right now, America is the number one importer of crap from Japan. Let's turn it around on them and start manufacturing stuff in America that the Japanese want. Here, I'm thinking of any number of items from the Bradford Exchange.

"They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers. They will support good jobs for the finest workers in the world: those whose products say 'Made in the USA.'"
Also: "Product contains less than 2% of the following: the date-rape drug, lead."

"Trade brings better jobs and better choices and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the federal government has a responsibility to help. I ask Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs."
The only new skills involved in asking if you want fries with that is teaching a forty-seven-year-old steelworker to swallow his pride and take the only type of work left in America, and also, as tempting and as easy as it might be, that it's generally frowned upon to murder the seventeen-year-old future prison bitch with one's bare hands.

"Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions."
I have an idea. Why not build nuclear power plants here in America and let Iran run on coal power? I mean, if nothing else, America's proven to be nothing but responsible with nuclear energy, and our abundance of black smog might seem unfair to other nations who aren't fortunate enough to possess a black smog of their own. How much black smog does one country need anyway? We already have the entire state of California. We should definitely share with Iran.

"To keep America competitive into the future, we must trust in the skill of our scientists and engineers and empower them to pursue the breakthroughs of tomorrow. Last year, Congress passed legislation supporting the American Competitiveness Initiative, but never followed through with the funding."
That's because all the money was being spent on trusting the collective wisdom of the ordinary citizens in America and various undocumented arbitrators in Iraq.

"On matters of justice, we must trust in the wisdom of our founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says."
For instance, when the Founding Fathers said that all men were created equal, it was quite obvious they meant to include, "Except for you fags."

"I've submitted judicial nominees who will rule by the letter of the law, not the whim of the gavel."
"Who rule by the letter of the law... my law." I think anybody that Bush elects should automatically be supsect on the sole grounds that Bush elected them.

"Many of these nominees are being unfairly delayed. They are worthy of confirmation, and the Senate should give each of them a prompt up-or-down vote."
"They are worthy of confirmation, because I say they are!" Again, don't think, just do. We can think about why the nation is in collapse later, after the nation is in collapse because no one weighed consequences first. Bush is a man of action, and like all men of action, there'll always be someone to come along later to clean up the catastrophic mess they leave behind.

"In communities across our land, we must trust in the good heart of the American people and empower them to serve their neighbors in need."
I like that word, "empower." It has "power" in it. I like power. Heh-heh.

"Tonight the armies of compassion continue the march to a new day in the Gulf Coast."
"Armies of compassion"? WTF? Will they shoot us with the M-16s of kindness and crush us under the tank wheels of hope? The George W. Bush Administration: Nothing is as good as it could be without an awkward military reference.

"There are two other pressing challenges that I've raised repeatedly before this body, and that this body has failed to address: entitlement spending and immigration. Every member in this chamber knows that spending on entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid is growing faster than we can afford. We all know the painful choices ahead if America stays on this path: massive tax increases, sudden and drastic cuts in benefits, or crippling deficits. I've laid out proposals to reform these programs. Now I ask members of Congress to offer your proposals and come up with a bipartisan solution to save these vital programs for our children and our grandchildren."
Yeah, we didn't really have the heart to tell you this, but your proposals kind of... well, they sucked.

What follows is a lot of talk, paragraphs, of the successes in Iraq and Afghanistan. We've heard this same rhetoric so often over the past seven years that it's boring for me to even read and comment on. I found it most amusing when Fox scanned a section of the crowd where a row of various military soldiers sat, and the were all slumped with their arms crossed and rolling their eyes as if to say, "Is this guy fucking serious?" and that was on Fox, the network owned by a staunch Neoconservative so far to the extreme he makes Cheney seem moderate by comparison.


"We're also standing against the forces of extremism embodied by the regime in Tehran. Iran's rulers oppress a good and talented people. And wherever freedom advances in the Middle East, it seems the Iranian regime is there to oppose it. Iran is funding and training militia groups in Iraq, supporting Hezbollah terrorists in Lebanon, and backing Hamas' efforts to undermine peace in the Holy Land. Tehran is also developing ballistic missiles of increasing range, and continues to develop its capability to enrich uranium, which could be used to create a nuclear weapon. Our message to the people of Iran is clear: We have no quarrel with you. We respect your traditions and your history. We look forward to the day when you have your freedom."
It's like Bush just pulled out the exact same speech to justify his war with Iraq and switched all the "q"s with "n"s. Like he's smirking, "This worked once; it'll work again, because the American people are chock ful of stupid. The sad part is, he's absolutely correct.

"On the home front, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty."
And we are solemnly neglecting both the "lawful" and "effective" parts. (Applause)

"And I call on you to double our initial commitment to fighting HIV/AIDS by approving an additional $30 billion over the next five years."
I can't help but thinking this is just lip service to shut Bono up because I have a strong feeling that Bush is a supporter of the AIDS virus because it helps eliminate those filthy, perverted homosexuals.

"By trusting the people, our Founders wagered that a great and noble nation could be built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women. By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful nation on Earth and a beacon of hope for millions."
And then a destructive, corrupted engine of bloated bureaucracy, corporate greed, and righteous entitlement where those that have more money and power have more rights than the laborers who make them their money and power, and whom most other nations loathe or fear or both. So with that in mind, let us trust in the people, and set forth to do their business. God bless America, except for the gays, because they make God cry.

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