Thursday, January 03, 2008

Quote Roundup #19

Not as many quotes from December. Between feeling sick and tired for most of the month, I didn't put as much effort into collecting quotes as recent months.

"I'm not going to be convinced there actually is a 'Liberal bias' in the media until I see Stone Phillips smoke a joint and blow Chris Hansen during the opening montage of Dateline NBC." — me,
Media Buzz Words I Hate To See

"With all the irrational paranoia and ignorant bigotry surrounding the topic of homosexuality these days, I don't see how anyone can utter the words 'gay agenda' without taking the final step and just pulling the pointy, white hood over their faces and burning a giant cross on Rosie O'Donnell's front lawn." — me,
Media Buzz Words I Hate To See

"Nothing is more ridiculous than a fifty-year-old industrial superintendent who fears losing his job because Mexicans are coming into the country illegally to sell fruit at roadside stands or cook fries at McDonald's." — me,
Media Buzz Words I Hate To See

"Bush was fortunate enough to happen to be the President when the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon occurred and because of that, has been transformed into some sort of hero figure for keeping America safe from terrorism despite the fact that he was President when the attacks happened." — me,
Media Buzz Words I Hate To See

"If you steal that title, I swear to God I will hunt you down and kill you! Then I'll have another book to write. I'll call it 'I Told You I'd Kill You'." — Patti T.,
I Could Write Books About All The Ways You Hurt Me

"You could probably find plenty of losers without ever going online OR leaving the house. They'd somehow find their way to the front step like a stray dog." — Patti T., in a comment thread for
this post

"I'm currently living in two broom closets separated by a hallway which happens to lie at the exact point in the universe where all creaking and banging sounds ever generated meet up to discuss how my apartment sounds like two Home Depots fucking." — Johnny Titanium,
SomethingAwful, Burgin' II: Electric Burgergrill

"I'm feeling fat, and sassy!" — Don Hertzfeldt, "

"I live in a giant bucket!" — Don Hertzfeldt, "

"Tuesday's coming. Did you bring your coat?" — Don Hertzfeldt, "

"According to John 15:14, Jesus will only be my friend if I do what he says. I thought Jesus was a friend, not my boss." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: The Furry Conflict and FC&WC

"Buckle yourself in for a wild orgy of hot, nude information!" — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Interview with a Former Porn Star

"Back in the old days they used to tell legends about a world long past or yet to come where live was better, men were all heroes and women were all good-looking and nobody wanted for everything because every tree was laden with delicious fruit and the rivers flowed milk and honey. Those stories are long gone, but the ancients have left us porn in its place, telling us tales of a world where a man can become an electrician or postman and reasonably expect to spend the rest of his life doing four girls at a time." — SomethingAwful forum member "Some Internet Guy,"

"Chick-fil-A is awful. Giving that up is like giving up getting stabbed in the neck constantly." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: goSupermodel, The Teen Race, and Tilted Forum Project

"Sledding is a great mixture between excitement, sitting, and being uncomfortably cold and damp. Sort of like losing your virginity." — Ian Golding,
SomethingAwful: Winter Sucks, But Try To Enjoy It

"While skiing requires a low level of skill and coordination, the only thing necessary for sledding is a desire to get to the bottom of the hill." — Ian Golding,
SomethingAwful: Winter Sucks, But Try To Enjoy It

"I used to spend the winter afternoons in my front yard making snow angels, now I curl up in my bed anxiously awaiting the sweet angel of death." — Ian Golding,
SomethingAwful: Winter Sucks, But Try To Enjoy It

"All this talk about a woman president is wonderful. Ladies, us guys understand, we want that just like we want a dog president, but we don't try to elect the first dog that runs for president. We're waiting for the right dog. Some sort of 35 year old talking dog. I think we can wait for the right woman." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Weekend Newsblargh!

"President Bush's shoulders slump. His fantasy of making a connection with a new friend disappears as quickly as a Kennebunkport DUI arrest." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Weekend Newsblargh!

"I am a very humble person, but I'm drawing a line: If you buy into the War on Christmas, I am better than you. Period." — My awesome ex-wife, in this
awesome post

"The only reason tomatoes were put on this planet was to piss me off." — me,

"Huckabee is one letter away from being spelled Fuckabee." — me,

"If you spend too much time contemplating exactly what the fuck is wrong with people, you'll just want to pull the trigger and never ever stop." — me, back in January,
Observation; somehow I missed it

"It turns out there's a lot more to Christmas than celebrating the birth of a major religious figure, exchanging gifts, and spreading good cheer by bludgeoning competitors for those gifts at the mall." — me,
All I Want For Christmas Is My Stupid Questions Answered

"Oh, uncooked chocolate chip cookie dough, is there anything you can't cure? Well, obesity." — me,
A Christmas Conversation

Here are a couple of memorable conversations I had over the past month at work that I wanted to list although they aren't anywhere near properly formatted to be added to the rotating subheading of the blog:

Me: "Two things. When the new smoking ban goes into affect, can I design the no-smoking signs for the laundromat?"
Rita: "Sure!"
Me: "Okay, and can we get a sledgehammer for store use?"
Rita: "No…"
Me: "But that's an integral part of my signs!"
Rita: "Oh good lord."

Sue: "Even back when I was living in Florida, I couldn't stand seafood."
Me: "You are a waste of Florida."


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