Thursday, January 17, 2008

Let The Penis Jokes Begin!

Now the LiveJournal SnapShots Related Searches box for my Blogger site has stopped linking to "Army Surplus" and now links to "Boobs." I must be doing something right. Plus, it'll attract a lot of people from Google searches angry that all I offer them is a bunch of words and not a whole lot of female nudity.

Every once in a while, I still manage to pick my head up off my desk and post something new and undeniably funny, and today will be no exception. A couple days ago, I found the following
article on the front page of the newspaper. I'm going to repost it here in its entirety because this website tends to lock down its archives after a few days and the only way to gain access is to subscribe to the newspaper, as in, have it delivered to your house. Um, if I'm already getting a hard copy of the newspaper delivered to my house, why would I ever need to read your articles online? I recommend that all of my readers living all over the country with a little extra money to throw away to subscribe and demand that they deliver your paper to New Jersey or Arkansas or California by five every morning, because that's what you're paying for, right?
Jan. 15, 2008, 8:53 p.m.
Print date: 1/16/2007
By Anthony Watt,

A Moline man faces criminal charges after allegedly attempting to use a fake penis during a drug test.

Jason Robert Hillyer, 32, was charged with manufacturing, selling or possessing an adulterant, according to Rock Island County court records.

Mr. Hillyer was taking a drug test Monday afternoon at the county probation department, but the urine sample was not within the acceptable temperature range, said sheriff's department Sgt. Steve Ven Huizen.

The probation officer became suspicious and, when Mr. Hillyer returned to give another sample later, the officer made him take off his coat and sweatshirt and realized he had something attached to his torso, Sgt. Ven Huizen said.

It turned out to be a container of urine attached to a fake penis, Sgt. Ven Huizen said. The penis apparently was designed to help pass drug tests.

"It looks like an actual kit you would buy," he said.

Products such as the one Mr. Hillyer allegedly used are available commercially on the Internet.

The sheriff's department has investigated many cases of people -- male and female -- attempting to beat a drug screening, but this was the first time the case involved a fake appendage, Sgt. Ven Huizen said.

Sgt. Ven Huizen did not have any information about why Mr. Hillyer was on probation.

A jail spokeswoman said late Tuesday that Mr. Hillyer was free after posting $2,000 bond. His next court date is Jan. 22.
Yes, I'm sure he'll be right there to explain to the courtroom why he had a dildo in his pants. Actually, I would go just for the lulz of seeing the district attourney parading a fake phallus around the courtroom.

I like how the title of the article says he's "accused" of cheating on his drug test. I'm sure the jury will decide there was a perfectly good explanation why he was peeing cold urine from a fake penis that had nothing to do with faking the results of his drug test. When you whip out your penis for your drug test and it has "MADE IN CHINA" embedded on the side, I think you're pretty well "convicted" of cheating.


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