Monday, December 03, 2007

Quote Roundup #18

If you thought last month had a fuck lot of quotes, wait until you see this month! I got stuff from LiveJournal, /b/, the SomethingAwful forums, OKCupid users, stuff taken from real life, and even Howard the Duck, as well as my usual sources. November's been a good month for quotable comments.

"If you're like me you spend Halloween huddled in your studio apartment hoping to Christ that no one rings the doorbell and, God forbid, try to interact with you in some way." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful: Nine out of 10 Vampires Prefer AC Over DC

"I think I speak for everybody when I say, 'FUCK OHIO.'" — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful: Nine out of 10 Vampires Prefer AC Over DC

"If only one in 10 Americans stopped eating there would be enough food to feed 30,113,994 Americans." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful: Nine out of 10 Vampires Prefer AC Over DC

"This guy probably thinks his $100 Mishka shirt is pulling off some awesome look, but to most of us he is indistinguishable from a guy who just spent $7 at the worst thrift store in the world." — Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful's Fashion SWAT: Hel-Looks SWAT

"There's a piece of advice that has always served me well. I'd like to share it with you and I think it applies here: never trust someone without eyebrows." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful's Fashion SWAT: Hel-Looks SWAT

"I feel bad, but do I feel worse than usual? And is there any answer to that question that'd be good news?" — Scott Meyer,
Basic Instructions: How To Tell If You're Getting Sick

"I've always wondered why some people feel the need to sound as if they're puking up a dictionary." — LiveJournal user "crackedmyself,"
Get Away. You Have Cooties!

"I am currently running a campaign to get ugly chicks with too much makeup to stay inside the house, or at least to stop piling it on their face. It's not war paint, and you shouldn't be trying to blend in with your curtains, loser." — OKCupid user "hotdogcore" in
her profile

"I say, take the warning labels off of everything, and let the problem take care of itself." — OKCupid user "hotdogcore" in
her profile

"The life of the fish is generally pretty tedious. Most of the time all they do is float in the murky depths and wait to die." — Josh Boruff,
What's New In Hell

"When and if the End Times come, the sky is going to be filled with horrible nightmares not unlike this. You know, wolves riding eagles, gorillas throwing ornery hogs off buildings, hippos with bats in their mouths, etc., etc." — Josh Boruff,
What's New In Hell

"Double Dragon was a pretty fun game back in the day. I don't think there was anything resembling a point to it other than to wander the streets bicycle kicking lesbians and whipping people." — Josh Boruff,
What's New In Hell

"In general, any sentence that begins with 'I'm not racist, but…' cannot possibly end well." — SomethingAwful forum member "Ashenai,"
here

"'God has a plan for everybody,' or 'God works in mysterious ways,' or 'If it's God's will…' Oh, I see! So you were forced to default on your rent because God hates you, then, right?" — SomethingAwful forum member "Steel Sanitizer,"
here

"'Things happen for a reason.' Things only happen because you do shit, or don't do shit. Jesus fuck I hate hearing that line." — SomethingAwful forum member "Bob Morales,"
here

"If you need to reach out by completely disregarding the rules and guides the language uses maybe you should raise the bar on students who are accepted at the university." — SomethingAwful forum member "Avd1Thng,"
here

"I hate where society is and where is continues to go, the stupidity of the public is very tough for me to deal with, and it starts with what comes out of their mouths." — SomethingAwful forum member "Avd1Thng,"
here

"I hate when the weather forecaster tries to be cute and says that we're going to get some of the 'white stuff.' Damnit, it's just going to snow; it's not like sugar or cocaine is going to fall from the sky." — SomethingAwful forum member "kith_groupie,"
here

"The phrase is 'It's in the last placed YOU'D look,' as in 'YOU WOULD.' As in, 'Your penis is probably in the last place you'd look, like a vagina.'" — SomethingAwful forum member "murderknobs,"
here

"In Monster Poker, whoever folds their hand burns at the Man-Thing's touch!"
— Howard The Duck, "Howard the Duck" (2007) Issue #1

"I'm not in my bed. I'm in the back of my cab, and it's moving. So, we can score this as a bad way to wake up."
— Howard The Duck, "Howard the Duck" (2007) Issue #1

"Astounding what you notice when the half-naked woman leaves."
— Howard The Duck, "Howard the Duck" (2007) Issue #1

"If you can't play nice with deadly weapons, then someone takes them away and smacks you!"
— Howard The Duck, "Howard the Duck" (2007) Issue #1

"Is there a right way to describe yourself that will make you seem appealing to the bitterly jaded, heartbroken, and skeptical souls who have shunned traditional social interaction to turn to the Internet for a prospective mate that might live hundreds of miles away? All sources point to 'no.'" — me,
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't: Online Dating Edition

"The only people who can be happy all the time are annoying. Generally, they're either religious zealots or lobotomy patients, and they have nothing interesting to say, ever." — me,
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't: Online Dating Edition

"If you say you party all the time, you're pretty much sending the message that you're an irresponsible moron with no ambition. No one wants a disgrace." — me,
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't: Online Dating Edition

"The only thing guys think you have in common with them is their penis and your vagina." — me,
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't: Online Dating Edition

"You old people are just jealous. You were born too early. You're going to miss out on the best parts of the Internet Age. Us Echo Boomers hit the sweet spot. We're the last generation to appreciate the digital revolution, and we're old enough to die before global warming and peak oil ruin the fun. We'll consume the wealth and comforts of a postindustrial society without living to pay the bills." — SomethingAwful forum member "Zoolooman,"
here

"Sometime in the 1980s, everyone important figured out that protests don't change shit. They scale on the political threat level between a wet cat and a dizzy schoolground bully with an ear infection." — SomethingAwful forum member "Zoolooman,"
here

"Certainly, without the FDA, we'd be putting all sorts of weird and disgusting things in our mouths because we're stupid and don't know any better. Note that the French do not have an FDA, and they eat snails. I rest my case." — me, with a nod to the great Dave Barry,
The Chinese Are Poisoning Our Children — Four Alternate Takes

"A jacket is not just a jacket if able to order an enchilada all by itself." — Adam Pogoff,
Listoff: A Jacket Is Not Just A Jacket If

"A jacket is not just a jacket if recently underwent cartilage and ligament surgery." — Adam Pogoff,
Listoff: A Jacket Is Not Just A Jacket If

"No matter how intelligent you are or how well-reasoned your argument is, you will never win against shameless ignorance. They will just continue to stupid you down until you give up, and then declare it a victory." — me,
here

The following all came from Dr. David Thorpe,
SomethingAwful: Your Bandicoot Sucks:
"Whatever criteria are used to determine what's alive ought to be revised to exclude clams."

"The sheep is devalued, having been the only animal successfully counterfeited."

"Geese are basically big, angry ducks. The last thing the world needs is big, angry versions of benign animals."

"Moths are so undeserving of the gift of flight that God saw fit to irresistibly compel them to fly into fires."

"I'll turn vegetarian as soon as someone shows me a cow doing something more important than getting broiled."

"How many animals have a cardinal sin named after them? Just the sloth: God's most evil creature."

"A swan is literally just a gay turkey."
"People suck; hurl cinder blocks at them." — me, here

"When you're asshole deep in crocodiles, it's difficult to remember the objective was to drain the swamp."
— I have no idea where it originated, but one of my favorite customers, Dave, quoted it to me

"Do you know how expensive cakes are these days? It's like you're expected to only eat them on special occasions or something." — me,
I'm Unveiling A Revolutionary Product Idea!

"A bird in the hand is worth two dollars a pound." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"I think, therefore I am annoyed." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"$1,000,000 ÷ $10.00/hour = Fuck." — Ian Golding,
SomethingAwful: Turning Twenty-two and the Quarterlife Crisis

"Finding out if your deviancy is normal behavior is pretty easy: If you don't feel comfortable bringing it up at work, at the Thanksgiving dinner table, or to complete strangers at the bar, chances are it's not fucking normal." — me,
No, It's Fucking Not Normal!

"Girls are a skittish lot, and many things creep them out. For instance, staring at her without blinking, showing up in her shower unexpectedly, punching her squarely in the eyeball, pretty much anything involving a penis, and probably professing your overwhelming obsession with her without any prior indication ranks up there on the list, too." — me,
No, It's Fucking Not Normal!

"An E-Mail has not actually been dispatched to our Technical Staff, who you should also not bother to contact if the problem persists since they are pretty horrible and just delete emails as they arrive." — SomethingAwful's "Database Unavailable" message

"You either want to sleep with a guy or you don't. Making him pretend to be all sensitive while all he's doing is describing the various ways in which he is going to stick his dick in you is a dumb waste of time that could be better spent on having him actually stick his dick in you." — me,
I Review Four Insults To Music

"I have no idea what 'AYO Technology' is supposed to be. The name looks like a Japanese robotics company. Apparently she wants it and Justin's gotta give it to her, so I'm assuming it's his vibrator." — me,
I Review Four Insults To Music

"Sorry, no. You don't get to keep making the same argument AFTER I'VE TOLD YOU WHY IT DOESN'T WORK. Fail." — LJ user "crackedmyself,"
here

"That Roseanne theme credits where they change faces is the scariest thing I've ever seen outside of a nightmare." — OKCupid user "mypeeps27" in a journal entry,
here

"'Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.' No, because if dress above your job you will be that kid in data entry wearing a suit. This tip only helps if you're attractive and nice clothes play up your attractiveness. This saying should be 'You will get the job you want if you are attractive, not if you are not attractive.'" — OKCupid user "individualpie,"
Bad Advice/Aphorisms

"'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' If my enemies try to get close to me A) I know something is up, and B) I hate them for it because I hate everything they do and that is why they are my enemies. This saying should be 'Keep your friends close and don't be a double agent because that's retarded.'" — OKCupid user "individualpie,"
Bad Advice/Aphorisms

"'One man's meat is another man's poison.' It's just that some people like poison because they're sadists. YES POISON IS SUBJECTIVE." — OKCupid user "individualpie,"
Bad Advice/Aphorisms

"'Hate the sin, love the sinner.' It seems to me you should hate the sinner until they consistently behave differently." — OKCupid user "individualpie,"
Bad Advice/Aphorisms

"If you introduced Rain Man to his exact double and listened to them talk to each other, I think you'd be witness to the greatest conversation in all of history." — me in my OKCupid journal,
here

"'Monique' is a name in itself, which makes me wonder what goes between the 'o' and 'n' in her name that demands an apostrophe." — me in the Seibertron forums,
here

"I'm so sick of tolerance. Whatever happened to the freedom to say that someone else's lifestyle is stupid as hell?" — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web

"The first King there obviously had some really ugly sperm. He knocks up Angelina and begets Grendel, the fugliest thing to grace the movie screen since the last film Sarah Jessica Parker starred in." — LiveJournal user "shinga,"
I AM BEOWULF, SRSLY U GUYS

"I should've been a mathematician. Or a lizard wrangler." — Ryan Sohmer, creator of "Least I Could Do," in a blog entry,
here

"I wonder why they call it 'real estate' anyway. What if someone wants a fake estate?" — me,
here

"I am somewhat preoccupied telling the Laws of Physics to sit down and shut up."
— Anonymous on /b/, as a proposed way of starting a college application letter.

"Americans have stupid accents. It's all some monosyllabic combination of 'grunt grunt snort fart.'" — Two different Anonymi on /b/ merged into one quote

"Somehow throughout the whole movie nobody will be able to find the giant fucking monster knocking over buildings so we won't see shit. Fuck."
— Anonymous on /b/, speculating about the upcoming movie Cloverfield

"You know an appeal is going to be good when it begins with 'Motherfuckers. . .'"
— Anonymous on /b/

"A theological meritocracy would be the lulz. LOL, GOD SAYS WE NEED SMART PEOPLE IN OFFICE."
— Anon on /b/ discussing utopian societies

"The Internet exists to be made fun of. If you don't understand this, then you aren't a true Internet veteran." — me, in conversation

"Why is it that every woman whose breasts I would most want to see always keeps them covered up, and only the women whose breasts are an affront to all creation offer to show them to me? Oh yeah, it's because I'm ugly!"
— me, openly reflecting upon some of the greater mysteries of life. . .

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