Monday, December 31, 2007

Last-Minute Resolutions For 2008

For the past few years, I have dutifully provided my readers with a list of last-minute New Year's resolutions just in case they got caught up in their busy lives and forgot to make any for themselves. Much like previous years, this year will be no exception. So this year, if you have no other options, you might consider resolving to:

— Subjugate.

— Whack-a-meme.

— Count on it.

— Kill her softly with your song.

— Try once again to conquer that pesky fear of ejecting spinning discs from your chest cavity.

— Renounce.

— Forget.

— Make a to-do list.

— Extrapolate.

— Keep your eyes on the grand old flag.

— Show them. . . Show them all!

— Hey kids, rock and roll, rock on, oh my soul.

— Engage.

— Keep this resolution all year long.

— Annihilate terrorism.

— Target.

— Hey kids, boogie too, did you?

— Go to any mental institution or halfway house in any city in the world and ask to se the Holder of something, just to see whether it's really true or all just bullshit.

— Throb.

— Care Bear Stare.

— Whittle down all those Presidential candidates to just two or three by the end of the year.

— Saget.

— Stop, in the name of love.

— Impair people by using imparative sentences all year long.

— Eat the entire United States Tax Code.

— Don't tase me, bro!

— Spread the gum disease gingivitis.

— Buy her a drank.

— Fix the economy by making economics less boring and confusing.

— Fail to keep any of your resolutions, including this one.

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