Saturday, December 15, 2007

...And We're Back

My first succession of panic attacks in over two years has left me in a pretty depressed state. This could last for days, weeks, or months, until something extremely good happens to lift me out of it or I'm able to forgive myself and pack away the guilt. Until it's resolved, though, there will probably be no creativity or humor coming from my direction, so my hiatus might need to last somewhere longer than a half a month.

It's amazing how one little, innocent mistake can knock me from cloud nine directly into Dante's Nineth Circle of Hell. It wouldn't have been so bad if it didn't end up hurting a friend. Nothing I could offer she would accept, but I don't think she knows the lengths I would go to in order to repair the damage and avoid feeling this self-condemnation.

The logical side of my brain keeps telling me that it's not as bad as I feel it is, and I realize she won't hold an innocent mistake against me, but I cannot help persecuting myself with my own shame. God damn I hate how chemical imbalances warp our perception of reality. The Year of the Pig just couldn't end without fucking me over one last time.

Why do the words "army surplus" always show up in the related searches attached to this site in LiveJournal's SnapShots window? I find that disconcerting.


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