Sunday, December 23, 2007

All I Want For Christmas Is My Stupid Questions Answered

I was going to seek out an actual holidays forum to invade, but I've been too far under the weather this week. Instead, I just visited the tried and true stomping ground of fuckwit stupidity known as Yahoo!Answers. I had originally intended to split this between Yahoo!Answers and the AOL Forums, but I couldn't even find any holidays forums in the AOL community, so I just stuck with Yahoo.

I wanted to post something festive. It's not much, but then I don't feel capable of much right now. It turns out there's a lot more to Christmas than celebrating the birth of a major religious figure, exchanging gifts, and spreading good cheer by bludgeoning competitors for those gifts at the mall. There's also mass confusion and the irritation of bigots, which is what the holidays are really all about, right?

Is Santa Claus gonna have to choke a bitch?

You failing English, and you continuing to fail at life.

Santa's coming soon, and I reeeaaaally want that Wii.

The other winter holiday, where we gather to celebrate some dude named Chris.

All it takes is for one of the infected to bite someone else, and pretty soon the whole town is overtaken by mutants and you're left with a shotgun in one hand and your will to live in the other.

That movie with Tim Allen seemed pretty reasonable. That's good enough for me.

Volunteer at the homeless shelter. Go to the movies. Sit at the counter at an all-night truck stop or waffle house and talk to whoever sits near you. Rent some movies. Bake some cookies and take some to your neighbors and hope the offering and benevolent mood will strike them to invite you in for a while. Contact someone on CraigsList and pay to catch a debilitating venereal disease. Listen to A Very Linkin Park Christmas and cry while you cut your arms. Hunt down all those who abandoned you and murder them, and anyone who gets in your way. Adopt a kitten.

Your Yuletide generosity and kindness is overwhelming. Ebenezer.

It's part of the War on Christmas. As Christians, there is no greater importance than asserting our dominance over every other religion so we don't have to acknowledge what self-righteous asses so many of us tend to be.

I'm pretty sure that's the file-sharing network the RIAA has been suing everyone over lately.

He did not just go there!


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