Thursday, November 22, 2007

Reasons To Be Thankful

— The freedom to express your opinion, however unpopular that opinion might be.

— The fact that it is against the law to physically harm, maim, or kill you for expressing your unpopular opinion, unless the person doing it is the right combination of popular and wealthy.

— The belief in a God Who has chosen not to blight you with some horrible deformity, like homosexuality or common sense.

— Food that tastes good, to hell with the consequences.

— Family that, however dysfunctional, is not nearly as dysfunctional as that of this one guy you know.

— Two free days off work, unless your life sucks and you work for evil sadists.

— You don't live in one of those God-forsaken countries where people are all disease-ridden and starving. Aren't you glad you have an excuse to eat until your stomach hurts and it takes you two full days to digest everything?

— Thanksgiving dinner at approximately 2 PM.

— An Internet connection so you can entertain yourself with pictures of bizarre fetish porn while everyone else is watching football after the feast.

— The fact that you, personally, are the last remaining person who knows how to drive properly, even though you honestly don't either.

— The fact that we live in a society so advanced that we have a drug that can give people four-hour erections, even though we still can't cure cancer, baldness, or AIDS.

— We have the poor and homeless to sufficiently scare us into showing up for work every day. Without them, no one would give a damn.

— Despite not getting any media attention and almost no money underground and independent artists continue to save us from the soul-draining mediocrity of popular music.

— Bush has only one year and two months left in office before being replaced with someone possibly even more sinister and authoritarian, because Americans vote more idiotic with each passing year.

— Women, not only for their uncanny ability to keep men in check, but also for boobies and that lukewarm spot between their legs. (Women, you could probably come up with something similiar for "men," but I have no idea what you'd say or why you'd want to.)

— People who say and do stupid things all the time for the rest of us to make fun of, like politicians, celebrities, thrill-seekers, and religious zealots, as well as three-quarters of everybody with an Internet connection.

— Mindless consumerism so insatiable that it can drive a rational, forty-something, loving mother of three to homicide over two dollars off a video game. That is the insanity you all have to look foward to tomorrow. Suckers.

— My sarcasm returned just in time to give life to the idea for a Thanksgiving post that I've been carrying around for two days, before Thanksgiving officially ended.

— The fact that I have not heard one person utter the loathsome phrase "Gobble-Gobble Day," saving me from having to fly into a murderous rampage and bludgeon someone to death with a tire iron.

I find it an interesting coincidence that Thanksgiving this year coincides with the anniversary of the Kennedy Assasination.

np: Kingdom Come - "Should I?"


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