Thursday, November 01, 2007

Quote Roundup #17

God, it feels like it's been at least a month since I posted quotes. I think, judging by the amount of quotes I have saved up, it's time to unload once gain.

"It must be so hard for evangelicals to repeatedly ask questions into a void, only to wait in vain for an answer that will never come." — Jon Stewart,
The Daily Show

"So a middle class working mom will have to do without luxuries like food or clothing for her two children to pay an arbitrary figure because a record exec might otherwise have to go with the 1918 bottle of Merlot instead of the 1916 for his meal one evening." — me,
RIAA Continues Its Uphill Battle To Alienate Customers

"Unsupported mathematics is bullshit." — me,
RIAA Continues Its Uphill Battle To Alienate Customers

"Religion is just people craving someone to tell them what to do. I, myself, have evolved past that. I don't need religion. I've hired a really big guy to tell me what to do. HAHA, take that religion! Of course, when I sin against the big guy I hired, instead of being doomed to hell I get hit with a stick, but that's a small price to pay for intellectual liberation!" — OKCupid user "Valatiel" in response to
this post

"You do not need the Bible to justify love, but no better tool has been invented to justify hate." — Richard A. Weatherwax

"I fear I'm a hypochondriac, but I'm probably just imagining it." — me,
here

"I will no longer make surrender jokes while in France. Something that has happened repeatedly throughout the history of a country is not a joke, it is a fact." — Ryan Sohmer, creator of the webcomic "Least I Could Do,"
here

"Wine is like olives. How can you like olives? They taste like dead flesh." — OKCupid user "individualpie," (formerly "mejulie"),
here

"I spent two minutes being interested in Aishwariya Rai's eyeballs, but mostly because they're huge. The size of Kermit's ping pongs." — OKCupid user "individualpie,"
here

"Everyone knows that putting 'web' in front of words automatically makes them crappier. Just look at what happened to 'pages,' and 'cams,' and 'logs.' And who culd forget the fall of the mighty 'isode'? Ohh, so tragic." — Strongbad of Homestarrunner,
Strongbad Email: Web Comics

"I value loyalty over competence. That's the sign of a great leader." — Scott Adams taking a pot-shot at Bush in
Dilbert

"I do believe that women deserve equal treatment as fellow human beings because I think it has been well proven that, in general, there is nothing men can do that some woman can't do just as well. Except maybe shoot sperm. I think men have pretty much cornered the market on that one." — me,
Well There Goes Any Chance Of A Wonder Woman Movie

"The atmosphere of the average K-Mart is cold and foreboding, like an abandoned barn or a haunted house where the walls are screaming at you to 'GEEET OOOUUUT' in flat gray enamel." — me,
I Cannot Fathom Why K-Mart Still Exists

"Shopping at K-Mart makes you feel like a degenerate, because only degenerates shop at K-Mart." — me,
I Cannot Fathom Why K-Mart Still Exists

"Basically, K-Mart customers look like the ones who couldn't meet the minimum requirements of being Wal-Mart customers, and Wal-Mart customers don't even need to know how to not poop themselves in the customer service line." — me,
I Cannot Fathom Why K-Mart Still Exists

"Yes, the customer service at K-Mart is unfriendly to the point of being hostile, but you probably would be too if three quarters of the customers you encounter look like the guy who murdered Batman's parents." — me,
I Cannot Fathom Why K-Mart Still Exists

"What the fuck kind of major retail chain doesn't have professional resume paper? Apparently K-Mart, because they know nobody professional would ever shop there and risk being associated with the homeless wino setting fire to a steel drum in the electronics section." — me,
I Cannot Fathom Why K-Mart Still Exists

"Why do people keep making 'Even more novel-accurate than the previous novel-accurate movie!' Dracula remakes, but every Frankenstein remake is about some doctor in a castle making a lightning-powered retard? The hell is that about?" — Someone commenting on
Your Webcomic Is Bad And You Should Feel Bad

"Pull it together man! There's bored cows out there to play with before we eat them!" — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"Hands-down the best place to see an opera is at a tiny dive bar." — me, in response to
this OKCupid journal entry

"I've pondered, but never known, whether stupid people cause stupid culture or if stupid culture causes stupid people or if the two play off one another and pull us all down in a spiraling vortex of learned retardation." — Chris Peterson,
SomethingAwful News You Needn't Know: Challenging Copernicus

"Online file-sharing, however, affects very important people in very serious and quantifiable ways. By 'very important people,' of course, I mean 'the people who get rich arbitrarily from someone else's hard work,' and by 'very serious and quantifiable ways,' I mean that 'said rich people are convinced they're not getting quite as much richer as they believe they're entitled, by an indeterminate factor through unsubstantiated means.' So as you can see, when compared to a cruel tyrant killing his own people via inhuman methods, online file sharing is right up there on the list." — me,
The War Against File Sharing Is Just As Crucial

"I don't think that God literally created the planet and all inhabitants in 6 days, kicking back in the Almighty Adirondack chair, smoking a pipe on the seventh day, rubbing her sore womb and congratulating himself on a job well done while watching the giraffes try to blow their noses and the worms figure out that they're hermaphrodites." — OKCupid user "wickedwitch379" in
her journal

"No, I don't go to strip clubs because I'm not a sex-addicted failure at life. Go shoot yourself in the eyeball with a cock full of AIDS." — me,
What's On Metallica Fans' Minds?

"I'm pretty sure crack is more addicting than anime. You're not physically or psychologically dependent on anime. You're just, you know, a loser." — Hassan Mikal,
SomethingAwful's Weekend Web: Plenty of Fish, 43 Things, and Sokushu High School

"Being a fly is a deadly profession. I do not envy it. They pay is shit, but then, they never go hungry." — me,
More Wit And Wisdom

"The primary purpose of alcohol is to make any rational, intelligent person look, talk, and act like a retard in public." — me,
More Wit And Wisdom

"The general public is fucking stupid and if you put your faith in them, you're an even bigger idiot than they are." — me,
More Wit And Wisdom

"If a demanding person isn't trying to take advantage of you, then it's because they're just that stupid." — me,
More Wit And Wisdom

"Nothing lying around after an A-10 just blew the crap out of a pickup truck should be placed in your mouth." — Zack Parsons,
The 13 Most Awful American Fears

"Depleted uranium is one of the least likely contributing factors to Iraqi babies having extra eyes or Gulf War vets being sick. For an example of a possible real cause, how about being exposed to the plumes of black smoke from oil well fires for weeks? I tend to go by the rule that if astronauts can see clouds of smoke from space it's probably not good to be inside those clouds." — Zack Parsons,
The 13 Most Awful American Fears

"You can feel pretty certain that terrorists are not achieving their goals of terrifying people with terror when the government that is supposedly fighting terror has to make a terror warning to try to terrify you that you're being terrified." — Zack Parsons,
The 13 Most Awful American Fears

"Trust me, no message of racial supremacy or religious sanctity is going to be taken seriously if it's jotted down where people poop." — me,
The Writing On The Wall III

"I don't want to leave my home for fear of the outside world. In case no one's noticed, the outside world is fucked in the head." — me,
here

"I just flew in from Iowa, and boy are my cows stupid!" — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"When the hookers go and try to starve themselves to death but bury themselves first in response to you shutting down the brothels to clean up the city, you are either the most persuasive politician or the luckiest one." — SomethingAwful forum member "Sigma-X"
here

"I'm stumped on what to put as a reason for leaving my current job. If I put 'sanity,' I think it would convey the wrong message." — me, in an IM conversation

"I'm also kind of at a loss to list my accomplishments. Would 'Suppressing the nearly overwhelming urge to gouge my eyeballs out with my thumbs on a nightly basis' be considered an accomplishment?" — me, in the same Instant Message

"Jean-Claude has three expressions: worried, charming, and doing a split. Of the three, doing a split is the most convincing." — Grady Hendrix for Slate,
Happy Belated Birthday, Jean-Claude Van Damme!

"While the long-term affects of sexual penetration have not been fully tested, the act of penetration in swordfighting and industrial accidents can often result in serious injury and death." — Dennis Farrell,
SomethingAwful: 1-000-LAW-NOWW

"It's sad when part of the criteria for having a good day at work involves not having to call the police." — me,
Tales From The Urban Utopia, Part 3

"Girls can be hard to find because they are masters of stealth and espionage. Sometimes when you think you are alone, you aren't alone, because a girl is there hiding. Check under your bed for girls and in your attic. And remember to always look up because girls sometimes do that thing where they climb up between two walls and hang on the ceiling so you can't see them, but if you look up you can." — Joseph Fink,
A SomethingAwful Guide To Having An Awesome Break-up

"I love Halloween! It's the only time of the year I can be fairly certain I'm not hallucinating. Yay!" — Harmony,
Sore Thumbs

"I'm honest enough to admit when something is brilliant, even when it's my own writing." — Maddox,
Fashion Tips For Women From A Guy Who Knows Dick About Fashion

"They come in every color imaginable yet look bad with every other article of clothing ever created. The only thing that goes with Crocs is social ostracism." — Maddox,
Fashion Tips For Women From A Guy Who Knows Dick About Fashion

"There are very few people who look good in red lipstick, and those people usually juggle for a living." — Maddox,
Fashion Tips For Women From A Guy Who Knows Dick About Fashion

"If I had boobs, the last thing I'd want to do with them is cover them up with curtains, though I'd probably eventually cover them with curtains when I'd exhausted everything else (oil, soap, other boobs, my hands, the lid of a photocopy machine, the mouths of other lesbians, etc)." — Maddox,
Fashion Tips For Women From A Guy Who Knows Dick About Fashion

"Zombies freeze during winter and thaw during the summer. Enjoy your seasonal zombie invasion." — Anonymous on /b/, collected in
this post

"People are annoying; throw bricks at them." — a statement I made while driving

"I don't want to see a man's ass! If I wanted to stare at a man's ass, I'd be a homosexual!"
— a statement I made in response to seeing a man's ass when I was expecting a woman's

Finally, I managed to write this in an IM conversation. I think I dozed off halfway through it but kept on writing. At least I didn't write anything that could be misconstrued as insulting:

"Between the lack of sleep and the sinus medicine has nowhere to go but what it's supposed to be, but it's getting fat."
That's what I could make out of this: See, that there took me about ten minutes to write beause I'm feeling so weird, between thelack of slee ad the sinus medicein has nowhereto go bau what it's upposedto be, but its getting fat.

I think that has to be one of the greatest sentences ever constructed in the history of recorded language. The best part was that I somehow had the presence of mind to properly punctuate it.

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