Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm Unveiling A Revolutionary Product Idea!

Stand back! I am about to unleash one of the most amazing marketing ideas to ever be conceived! I hope you're sitting down!

Okay, check this out, yo. I think anyone who's not a vegetarian can agree that bacon is one of the absolute best pieces of food ever created. Bacon has a distinctive flavor. Nothing tastes like bacon, and the very smell, the very thought of bacon makes any bacon fan instantly crave bacon. Bacon is a powerfully addictive meat. When cooked properly, it's crunchy, it's salty, and it's full of hickory-smoked meat flavor. There's a reason bacon is served in such small strips. If it was served as a ten-pound slab of meat, you know people would devour the entire ten pounds. The taste of bacon compels you to eat more bacon, so you have to be limited on your bacon intake. Even adding bacon to things where bacon should not, by any reason, be added makes these things taste better. Bacon on a pizza? Awesome! Bacon on a salad? Hell yes! Bacon on a cheeseburger? At the time of the rapture, the pig lays down with the cow. Bacon makes everythign taste better. It's a proven, scientific fact.

Knowing all that we do about the power of bacon, I have a proposal that I don't think anyone will be able to refuse, except vegetarians, but who cares about them, stupid bacon-haters. Ready? Bacon-scented cigarettes.

Holy shit. I think I just felt Marlboro's profit surge on the advent of their release. Why would bacon-scented cigarettes rule? For exactly the reason I stated above: Bacon makes everything better. People love the smell of bacon. No longer would smokers have to endure the scorn of non-smokers for spewing the foul stench of burning tobacco, tar, and nicotine into the air. In fact, I would imagine even non-smokers would be wafting the smokey trails toward their nostrils to get their momentary bacon-flavored fix.

Smoking bans or separate smoking sections in restaurants would be a worry of the past. Restaurants would invite smokers to dine in their establishments as the smell of the smoke would promote bacon consumption among other consumers. As I said before, when you smell bacon, you generally crave it. This could be a win-win situation. Not only would tobacco companies profit from this idea since smokers would no longer be ostracized outcasts of society forced into abstinence through derision for benefits of something as petty and insignificant as their own health and longevity, but the food industry would profit as well.

Now that we've established the undeniable benefits of bacon-scented cigarettes, why stop there? We could have a wide range of scented cigarettes to please even the most discerning of consumers. I've mentioned earlier that, due to some sort of strange mental defect, vegetarians don't like the smell of bacon. Do not fear, vegetarians, for I have considered your wishes too, as well! Get this: Grape-scented cigarettes! If there was ever a fruit more pungent than bacon that instantly induces salivation, it's grapes. The slightest scent of grape makes my mouth begin to water and my tongue quiver with tangy anticipation. If ever there was a proposed scented cigarette to rival the approval and popularity of bacon-scented cigarettes, it would be grape-scented cigarettes. Grape-scented cigarettes would have a distinct advantage over the bacon in that even people who detest the thought of eating meat still can't deny the irresistablity of the smell of grape.

I'm considering a wide range of different scents cigarettes could give off to make them more appealing so smokers could once again be accepted as viable members of society as they purposefully inhale toxic vapors into their bodies to kill themselves faster. Think about all the scents that drive you, the average consumer, to make impulse purchases. How about McDonald's fries-scented cigarettes? Remember back in the late Eighties when McDonald's got in trouble for intentionally scenting the air arond their buildings with the smell of their fries in order to get customers to crave their fries? They could do the same thing with cigarettes. As soon as someone walked by smoking a McDonald's fries-scented cigarette, the bystander inhaling the detrimental second-hand smoke would instantly begin to crave a nice, hot sleeve of McDonald's fries. If you can't kill them through their lungs, kill them through congestive heart failure, right?

What about cake? Everybody loves cake! Cake-scented cigarettes? Why not? Do you know how expensive cakes are these days? It's like you're expected to only eat them on special occasions or something. Fuck that, I say! Get people craving more twenty-dollar, five-inch sheet cakes. How about, for the distinguished gentleman who doesn't want to be associated with "tootie-fruity kid's flavors," just a good, old-fashioned hickory-scented smoke? It conjures fond memories of sitting around a bonfire cooking up hotdogs and roasting marshmallows, or barbecuing up some ribs, but it's more of a refined and dignified scent in itself. When you're over forty, nothing beats the odor of burning treated wood.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, of course. There is a literal myriad of different scents we could flavor our cigarette smoke with. Hot apple pie, vanilla, orange, cinnamon, Kentucky Fried Chicken, original chewing gum, peppermint, butterscotch, baby powder, the list goes on. The point is that cigarettes don't have to smell like the business end of a raw, molten ass lit on fire. There might even come a time when cigarette smokers are once again treated like normal, decent human beings instead of miscreants and social outcasts just for no other crime than desiring a slightly earlier death than the average non-smoker. There might even be a time when second-hand smoke is welcomed into the healthy lungs of non-smokers. There might even be a time when, not only is it considered a compliment to blow smoke in someone's face, but they might even request it. It might even be an insult not to!

Smoking bans would be lifted. Tobacco taxes would be lowered. Smoking would once again be promoted by the government and private citizens alike, who can't resist the lure of those sweet, mouth-watering scents. Tobacco manufacturers, listen to me. You are sitting on a gold mine with this idea! I can see no downsides! If you need to reach me for licensing purposes, you may get in contact with me by leaving a comment in the appropriate web-based receptacle. Unless you steal my idea without crediting me or paying royalties, in which case you may get in contact with me through my lawyer, whom I will make up when the need arises.

Thank you.

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