Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Review Four Insults To Music

Last night, I noticed AOL's Instant Messenger service, AIM, had a feature that I can only assume is relatively new because I don't pay attention to the little box at the top of the control panel that pukes out random ads for shit I would never be interested in. The feature is called "Thumbplay," which is this exciting new type of pop-up that, when you roll your mouse over it, not only does it expand to cover about one quarter of your screen, which is not a new concept among banner ads, but it also emits these really, really horrible sounds that are generally regarded as music by today's youth who have absolutely no taste or standards.

Okay, if AIM is going to install a feature that expands and plays song samples from the control panel, my personal opinion is that they should at least play good song samples from good bands. For instance, if the four songs they sampled were "Supernaut" by Black Sabbath, "Psychosphere" by Dead Soul Tribe, "Midlife Crisis" by Faith No More, and "Dark Star" by Beck, it would rock your face off. Seriously, you would not have a face anymore. What do we get instead? J. Holiday, DJ Khaled, Soulja Boy Tellem, and 50 Cent featuring Justin-everlovin'-Timberlake. Oh my fuck, who just called the pussy patrol, because they certainly just arrived!

For the sake of journalistic curiosity, I swallowed my pride, forced down the acidic bile rising from the depths of my bowels, and I do believe lost one full testicle to endure these song samples and review them for you, based on what I heard for about five to fifteen seconds. No need to thank me; the fact that I didn't jab a letter opener through both my eyeballs is plenty thanks enough.

J. Holiday - "Bed"
I don't know who this guy is, but he looks like a pussy and sounds twice as whiny. I haven't heard a whinier song about sex since Justin Timberlake's last magnum opus. This guy sounds like R. Kelley and Sade butt-fucked each other into an atom-smasher and emerged as the most irritating vocalist R&B has shat out yet. Of course, I could be completely wrong, but that's the impression I got from the eighteen-second sample of the one song I was presented. Maybe he goes on to out-badass Chuck D. later on in the album. I don't know, nor do I care to know. If this is the best song the record label could present off the album as a single, chances are listening to the rest of the album would do irreparable damage to my male sensitivities.

The song is about a guy, presumably J. Holiday, who wants to have sex with a girl, presumably his girlfriend, but that might be giving the song too much credit. The song contains pretty graphic descriptions of exactly what he's going to do with this girl once they're in bed together. Then he says he's going to put her to bed, which either sounds like the polite way the vet tells your five-year-old that her kitty has to be put out of its misery, or like what a parent tells a child at bedtime. Hearing J. Holiday use the expression "I'mma put you to bed" as if he's speaking to his grade-schooler daughter and then give us an explicit description of having sex with her is as creepy as it is whiney. Don't even get me started on the falsetto "I'mma gonna rock your body turn you over" portion that just make my balls cringe inward.

I suppose women find this passionate, like the consummate badass shows his sensitive side with a slow, seductive beat and a bunch sexually-repressed falsetto whining, but it's all a facade. Guys only do this because they believe, and many of them rightly so, that women will fall for this line of bullshit all the time. Women, it's not romantic, it's lame. You either want to sleep with a guy or you don't. Making him pretend to be all sensitive while all he's doing is describing the various ways in which he is going to stick his dick in you is a dumb waste of time that could be better spent on having him actually stick his dick in you. You wouldn't find it very romantic if a guy just walked up to you in a bar and said, "I'll fuck you so hard your legs will stop working," so why would you find it romantic if he sang the same sentiment? There are plenty of songs out there, written by credible songwriters, that are actually romantic and not just effeminate men reciting graphic images of fucking you.

And no, nothing written by David Lee Roth counts.

50 Cent featuring Justin Timberlake - "AYO Technology"
I have no idea what "AYO Technology" is supposed to be. The name looks like a Japanese robotics company. Apparently she wants it and Justin's gotta give it to her, so I'm assuming it's his vibrator.

I find it amusing that the entire sample they chose for a 50 Cent song solely features Justin Timberlake. That must say a lot about 50 Cent's notoriety.

DJ Khaled - "I'm So Hood"
This sample starts out with DJ Khaled announcing that he wears his pants below his waist and he's got gold in his mouth. Essentially he's just continuing the trend of glorified ignorance that has permeated pop culture in the past ten to twenty years. There are a myriad of things that the inability to pull your pants up and gold-plated teeth makes you look like, and absolutely none of them are positive. You never see Fortune 500 CEOs with gold-plated teeth or their underpants sticking out or a number of other ghetto youth stereotypes, because they are many things that the kids who follow pop culture fashion trends will never be, including educated and successful.

Pop culture is a mass-marketed propoganda campaign specifically designed to keep a particular demographic suppressed and distanced from the successful. If you buy into the hype, then you're just playing right into their trap. The idea is to keep you spending all your money on stupid shit to make them richer and keep you poor. If you really want to take a stand against "The Man," stop idolizing corporate sell-outs like 50 Cent and this DJ Khaled character and start idolizing people like Bill Cosby and Barrack Obama and Martin Luther King, Jr. Stop asking "Are they black enough?" Fuck yeah, they're black enough! They are living proof that black people can be every bit as educated and successful as the imposing white man. Idolize these people, because no one is ever going to take you seriously if you use words like "Imma," pronounce the "th" sound as "ff" and dress like an autistic ten-year-old whose parents just died. I'm not sure if I should be more pissed at the record execs for perpetuating this image or all the artists for allowing themselves to be used as the tools to do so.

You're so "hood"? Your name is one letter away from being DJ Whaled. Moving on.

Soulja Boy Tellem - "Crank That"
The entire sample of this song consists of two piano notes, a bunch of computer effects that threaten to eventually build into a full aural assault on good taste, and this Soulja Boy character repeatedly mentioning things that he is going to "crank." It utitilizes a redundant hip-hop cliché of having someone else go "OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!!!" "YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!" over it to generate a false sense of excitement.

There's a reason why this was the last selection in the playlist, because if it was first, no one would ever listen to the rest of the songs because everybody's first reaction upon opening the media player would be to ask in horror, "What hath hell wrought?!?" and quickly close it all down and throw their computer out the window, just to be certain. This is the type of thing the listener needs to be eased into — gently lulled to sleep by the soothing soft, boring sounds of what passes for R&B these days, and then, suddenly: BOOM! OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!! BOOM!!! Crank that ROOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!! Then you're less like, "Jesus fuck!! What hath hell wrought?!?" and more like "Well, I'm glad that's over!"

This style of hip-hop is probably what Nas was talking about when he proclaimed that hip-hop was dead. It's been a staple of the culture for a decade too long, and just like heavy metal singers screeching "YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" it needs to fucking die. It sounds like music created by idiots for idiots to purchase, and it's generally listened to solely by idiots. The only thing I want everybody who has anything to do with this style of music, including every single person who listens to it, to crank is themselves, around a telephone pole at a high rate of speed.

Soulja Boy looks like Flavor Flav made a resurgence. This song sounds like the inner workings of an ADHD child's brain with Tourette's. If you listen to it, you are an idiot. Even if you weren't before you heard it, if you listen to it enough, it will turn you into one.


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