Sunday, November 11, 2007

Happy Birthday To Me

This year, both my birthday and Veteran's Day happened to fall on a Sunday which meant I had a choice between two different types of online forums to make fun of today. First, I tried the Veteran's Day option, but I couldn't find any military forums readily available that were full of the prerequisite number of total idiots, having just revisited Yahoo! Answers last week. I'm not saying there aren't any; just that I couldn't find any within five minutes and gave up trying.

So I switched to the birthday option. I tried finding a website that offered people's wish lists to browse, but considering that there is no reason to look at a total stranger's wish list except to make fun of it, most of them make you search by name. Then I just tried looking for a forum about birthdays and hit the jackpot. I found a new online community that I will have to remember to revisit from time to time because it is chock full of idiots, like the bastard spawn of Yahoo! Answers after being raped by CraigsList.

It's a completely unmoderated community that allows anyone to post anonymously, sort of like the comments section of Jay Leno's "Headlines" archives. The birthday community is supposed to be a place where parents and teens can swap birthday party ideas, but quickly divulged into a festering cesspool of spam, illiteracy, and creepy pedophiles trying to date thirteen-year-olds. As you can imagine, this forum is comedic gold.

I'll return spite with spite and wonder why no one likes me or my kids.


"Joji" has all the help "Lin-Ko" needs.


Oh Christ, Shawn.


A 13-year-old who puts out? "Thug" knows paydirt when he sees it.


Remember: Marry your 13-year-olds.


"Belle" just had a startling revelation. Oh shi—


She's done scarring her own children for life, now she's offering advice to others.


Having sex with her would definitely do the trick, but beer is generally more traditional.


There's a point where it stops being considered so much "punishment" and starts being considered "foreplay." I think by 25, you've quite well crossed that threshold.


Protip: YOUR BABY DOESN'T CARE.


You're right. I think you should move everyone's birthday celebration to June 30th. It's not like their birthday is special or anything, right?


Ha ha, your husband statutorily rapes retarded girls.


Well, you can cross this off your list of life's goals and begin working on the next one: Turn 81.


This year, give him the gift of online infidelity.


Good luck getting her to fuck you now; you're back to square one.


It's her party, she can cry if she wants to. Throw her an emo party.


That's the thing about four-year-olds; they're fucking stupid.


Isn't "crunk" a combination of "chronic" and "drunk"? So, well, there you go.


Stop listening to rap music. It is killing your brain.


Give her a birthday gift she'll always remember: the gift of rape.

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