Friday, October 19, 2007

The Writing On The Wall III

I hate using public restrooms because it takes a very private thing and makes a very public scene out of it, and you never know what kind of deranged psychopath you might encounter. At least, though, most public restrooms provide entertaining reading material in the form of misspelled messages of ignorance and perversion carved into the walls with a knife.

Trust me, no message of racial supremacy or religious sanctity is going to be taken seriously if it's jotted down where people poop. With this in mind, I amused myself momentarily by contemplating what kinds of messages I could scribble onto restroom stall walls if I was so inclined. I would totally not take it seriously, as I suspect most people do when reading and responding to these messages, so I'd deliberately write messages to confuse and infuriate people.

For instance:

"For a good time, call Bruno." With no phone number. Better yet: "For a good time, tap foot."

Right under a message declaring Jesus' love for the world, I could write: "Jesus wants you to vandalize this wall. Seriously, it's in the Bible."

Around a lot of Aryan hate speech or swastikas, I would write, "This toilet was last used by a black man." Somehow I think it would anger these people to be forced to acknowledge that they had to share a toilet with a black person and risk getting black cooties.

If two rival gangs are having a gang war on the wall, underneath the last message, scribble "The Get-Along Gang will CUT you, bitch!"

Every once in a while, you see political messages, so you can feel free to write "George W. Bush is watching you poop. This November vote against domestic surveillance."

Just to heighten people's paranoia about using the restroom, write: "Everyone knows what you did in here. They can see your shoes."

Finally, on the back of the stall door, so that they will notice it after they've been sitting down and looking forward for a few moments, write: "Enjoy your scabies!"

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