Sunday, October 14, 2007

What's On Metallica Fans' Minds?

When it comes to heavy metal, I don't there has been a band more rebelliously mainstream than Metallica. Aside from Black Sabbath, I don't think there has been a single greater influence on the heavy metal genre, but unfortunately Metallica has been in a constant state of serious decline since 1985. The only problem is that the band and the overwhelming majority of their die-hard fan base don't realize this. However, the overwhelming majority of their die-hard fan base is primarily comprised of people who weren't even born until after 1985 and people who are in their thirties or forties who still have long hair, wear all black, still drink heavily, seriously use the words "party" and "hard" together as sentences, and consider picking up anonymous strippers to be healthy relationships.

The only people less informed of Metallica's utter shittiness is Metallica themselves. Their biggest claim to fame will be blaming online file-sharing for their perceived declining album sales despite the fact that their self-titled album is one of the greatest selling albums of all time and even the shittiest of albums they've released since have peaked at Number One on the Billboard charts. Yet they continue plodding along, obliviously releasing halfhearted, mediocre efforts and wondering why most music fans hate them.

So I thought it would be fun to peruse the official Metallica forums and see what kinds of things their fans are saying about them.

Seems appropriate.

James endorsed
Ricky Martin, too, should he open for Metallica as well? James will endorse any band as long as it means he can keep licking the RIAA's cockhead a little longer.

I can't help but feel like I just read a Metallica / Megadeth slash story. ::shudder::

That's unfortunate.

Making copies of Metallica's music on mix CDs is a crime. Don't advocate it on their message boards.

Who is this "Miss Heard" that James keeps writing about?

I don't tend to dream about album release dates, even for good bands that I actually care about. But then, I know enough to put spaces behind my punctuation, too.

No, I don't go to strip clubs because I'm not a sex-addicted failure at life. Go shoot yourself in the eyeball with a cock full of AIDS.

At first glance I thought that said "prick," which would have made it the best post ever.

Off the top of my head, I'd go with Who's Next or maybe Crimson's Red, the last one from Rush wasn't bad eith. . . Oh, you meant "What Metallica album." In that case, please die.

This already happened, back in 1986. Since then they've just been walking around empty and oblivious like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense.

So the band's happiness and overall health and well-being means nothing to you as long as you get what you want out of them. Congratulations, it's almost like you just raped your favorite band.


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