Monday, October 01, 2007

Quote Roundup #16

September was a good month for quotes. I harvested a whole plenty of them.

"The Mayans drank the blood of virgins and sacrificed children to their elephant god. I don't think they knew what they were talking about."
— Anonymous on /b/ discussing the Myan date for the end of the world

"I responded to his inconsiderate query by meowling like a kitten until I could no longer distinguish my voice from the sound of the rotation of the Earth." — Dennis Farrell,
SomethingAwful: The Daily Gonzo

"'Women named Timothy on CraigsList' just made my list of things to be leery of." — me,
Dysfunction Flourishes On CraigsList

"They're destroying the institution of marriage. When my brother heard gays could marry he immediately got a divorce from his wife. What's next from these homos? Are they gonna want to drive? Translate Arabic?" — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Voters Say The Darnedest Shit

"Hillary Clinton seems pretty go- did you put down 'Immigrant' as my job? Bro, I've got a Master's degree in mechanical engineering. I worked on the Segway. This is insulting." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Voters Say The Darnedest Shit

"Not looking at Rudy Giuliani's rat-eyed Nosferatu face for the next four years is near the top of my agenda." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Voters Say The Darnedest Shit

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a marble?"
— Anonymous on /b/, in a thread asking the Illuminati anything

"I'd give anything to hear 'Give It Away' played once or twice if it means that the next time I hear 'Hump De Bump' is when Anthony Kiedis is singing it with Satan's massive spiked chubby slamming into his ass in the lowest levels of Hell." — me,

"Springtime, falling cherry blossoms, fluffy clouds, sunsets, birds exploding into flight, etc. These are sights that move me. Can I describe them in a story? No. Why? Because it's 2007 and we ran out of new descriptions for sunsets in 1843, that's why." — LiveJournal user "zenithblue,"
Seven Facts!

"Any punk would kick your ass for putting the words 'punk' and 'MTV' together in a sentence." — Anonymous on /b/, trying to figure out what "punk" is

"Hey, I'll tolerate 'em when they stop being freaks and act like me." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"The 'ice queen' or 'bitch' excuse is what guys generally give to cope with their damaged, fragile egos when confronted with a woman who knows what she wants and knows that they're not it." — me on /b/

"Hey, what exactly are you trying to get from /b/? The most you'll get is a decent online friend (only if you're fucking lucky). The worst you'll get is a fat pedophile."
— Anonymous on /b/, on using /b/ as a dating forum

"Stop being so specist, you haven't lived until you've inseminated a thorax cavity." — OKCupid user "sharper00," in a response to
this post

"If your girlfriend sleeps over, a proper 'good morning' does not include the words: 'Oh, you're still here?'" — Rayne Summers,
Least I Could Do

"Fundamentally, all dogs are contrivances that convert your money into very bad smells, one way or another." — Anonymous on /an/ discussing how bad bulldogs smell

"Yes, just as where there is smoke ye will find fire, where there is sensational exaggeration in the media ye will find a huge pile of bullshit." — LiveJournal user "helpimarock,"
blah blah blah Britney Spears blah blah blah

"What used to be the promising new genre of rap might as well burn itself out in an explosive gang war before it can get any more humiliating." — me,
Last Band Standing: Simple Minds Vs. U2

"Only a retarded hermit who solely listened to mid-Fifties country would think 'Don't You (Forget About Me)' was a U2 song. (Note: There must be a lot of retarded, hermit country music fans accessing peer-to-peer clients.)" — me,
Last Band Standing: Simple Minds Vs. U2

"Don't even get me started on country and rap. The music world would probably be done a favor if some overly anxious country felt a little extra froggy and decided to simultaneously drop bombs on Nashville, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles. As many as it would take." — me,
Last Band Standing: Simple Minds Vs. U2

"It's okay to be biased when your bias is right." — me,
Last Band Standing: Simple Minds Vs. U2
"So this is supposed to be Phil Collins. But I'm not entirely convinced it's not Bob Hoskins. But then, I'm not entirely convinced that Phil Collins is not Bob Hoskins." — Don Pinsent,
Chumpmonkey's Electronic Cartoonatorium: Treasure Troll

"Shim Hyung-Rae should sell Michael Bay the sequence of the movie's boy and girl caressing on a rooftop while bullet casings rain down on them. That is truly special." — Wesley Morris reviewing the movie Dragon Wars,

"Let's face facts... You're boring. And I don't mean preseason-football boring. I mean NASCAR-on-the-radio boring." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"Whenever someone says, 'Let me know if you can handle me,' I just automatically assume that I don't want to go to the trouble." — me,
While You Were Out

"I'm always wary of people who say they're tired of a 'normal relationship.' What, do they want an abnormal relationship? Do they want to fuck a dog or marry their brother or something?" — me,
While You Were Out 3: I'm Totally Ripping Off This Title From The Learning Channel

"What if my answer is 'No because my body is a bloated, pockmarked, mutant sin against God that would frighten wildlife and poison lakes'? Would you still like to go skinny dipping with me?" — me,
While You Were Out 3: I'm Totally Ripping Off This Title From The Learning Channel

"By now, a lot of people have seen the video floating around the Internet of University of Florida student Andrew Meyer asking John Kerry a series of questions which indirectly results in getting himself tasered by the university police. I'm sure you all are thinking the same thing I am in reaction to this footage, that this incident begs the question: Is there a university somewhere in Florida that has the abbreviation F.U.? Because I would so totally want to get my degree from F.U. That would be awesome." — me,
The Tasing Of A Bro

"They should teach unintelligent design. Where I pay some drunk guy to design the universe. It'll explain flightless birds." — e,
Things My Boyfriend Says

"I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!" — e,
Things My Boyfriend Says

"Americans were treated this summer to a brief respite from the bellyaching of the theater chains and the MPAA over falling box office returns and the dread menace of piracy. By grimly sticking to their plan of ceaseless mediocrity and rising ticket prices Hollywood has managed to bully audiences into accepting what they were given rather than demanding something better." — Zack Parsons,
Zero Stars: Fall Failure Spectacular

"When spoken aloud, star Shia LaBeouf's dumbass name is still sufficient to make me reflexively clench my hands into fists." — Zack Parsons,
Zero Stars: Fall Failure Spectacular

"Donate to my campaign, and I'll let you drill for oil in my opponent's lawn." — Dogbert,

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." — George Carlin

"You know, whenever I get an obviously spam email from someone asking me to check them out at their website, I feel a momentary pang of guilt when I delete it. For all I know, it could be a completely innocent, actual girl who found me interesting but just happend to foolishly sign herself up to '' for some reason, and I just callously shattered her hopes and dreams. Poor 'MNcocksucker18'. Poor, poor 'MNcocksucker18'." — me, in my OKCupid Journal, in a post entitled

"People used to write LETTERS, you know. And use HORSES, or CARRIER PIGEONS, or some other fictional animals to deliver their correspondence. Yet I can't be bothered to click on my mom's name and e-mail her that I love her, because that would take my focus away from the YouTube video of real-life Donkey Kong I'm watching." — Bernie Hou, creator of Alien Loves Predator,

"My alleged loyalty to this company is second to none." — Wally,

"Pat Robertson emerged briefly from his oxygen tent to condemn the Lord to 'an eternity of hellfire' for 'Rapturing up confirmed homosexuals.' Robertson declared that the Bible clearly stipulated the non-Rapturable status of gays and lesbians and that by allowing them into Heaven, God will be forced to punish God for God's sins." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Google Future – The Rapture

"God descended from the Holy Empyrean to walk upon His Creation and pass judgment on all surviving men and women within the Threefold Kingdom of Desolation. Following a meal of popcorn chicken, the Almighty opened his mouth to reveal seven tongues made of burning swords. He was tased and arrested for attempting to smite several people at a Brown's Chicken in Waukegan, Illinois." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Google Future – The Rapture

"People who complain about this issue are missing the point. Illegal immigrants work cheap, follow the instructions of people who pay them, and don't know enough English to argue with anyone. If I am made president, I will immediately replace all government officials with illegal immigrants." — Joseph Fink, as Dennis Kucinich,
SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Democrats

"I had an odd childhood. My mother kept trying to convince my imaginary friend that I didn't exist." — me, in my OkCupid journal, in a post entitled
Nod to Steven Wright

np: Stabbing Westward - "Save Yourself"


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