Wednesday, October 31, 2007

How To Survive A Realistic Zombie Scenario

A while ago, someone on /b/ asked how the fellow computer nerds would handle a "realistic" zombie scenario. It was pretty soon discovered that there was almost no hope for anyone's survival, but I found some very amusing if not somewhat pertinent advice in the thread and saved it for later use. Then I realized that it's dealing with zombies, so it would make a great Halloween post. What follows are my favorite responses. They're fairly out of order as I've rearranged them into three parts: Rules, jokes, and practical advice. First, the post that got us started:
Ok /b/, I'm sick of all these internet badasses who suddenly manifest infinite ammo and weapons during a zombie infestation.

So here's the deal.
*There is a mass zombie outbreak (type of zombie is irrelevant). You are at home when it happens, and have a MAXIMUM of a week to prepare.
*You cannot leave your city (if you live in one), since chaos makes everyone escape and crash and all ways out are blocked.
*You DO NOT have any military weapons. You are a CIVILIAN, and therefore, the only weapons you can acquire are the stuff they sell in Wal-Mart (or other places).
*You CANNOT get lots of weapons/ammo. There are 10,000+ other people trying to get weapons and ammo; chances of you getting one are slim.
*You are NOT a lone badass. Even if you have a weapon, you suck at using it unless you've been training before the invasion.
*If you already have a weapon, the amount of ammo you can get is small (1000 rounds more or less), since everyone else also wants ammo for their guns.
*You DO NOT have unlimited funds. The amount of food/materials/hardware you can purchase is limited by the amount of money you currently own.
*You CANNOT loot anything you want. There are 10,000+ other people who all want to loot the same stuff, chances are you're not going to get much without getting killed by a gang of looters.
*You CANNOT loot from military bases. It's full of the MILITARY, who will SHOOT you if you try to steal something or get too close.
*You CANNOT break into a huge mall/hospital/supermarket/bunker and hole up there. There are 10,000+ other people with a similar idea, and they're not gonna be happy about letting you in. Also, they're probably niggers in gangs, and would be "protektin ther turf".
*You CANNOT magic yourself a penthouse or mansion or any shelter you do not own. If you could not break into one of these before the invasion, you won't be able to for a long while after the invasion has been established... people will be PARANOID and will SHOOT you if you try to break in.
*Water, electricity and services will all fail 1 week after the outbreak has reached your city.

More rules were made up as the game went along. The original poster tried to shoot down as much of the logical flaws as possible as people created them.

Then of course, we get a bunch of people who don't take the scenario seriously because they know that there's no such thing as zombies. These will be the first to fall prey to the zombie menace.

Thread should have died here:

This is among my favorite answers. I would love to see this in some movie, a bunch of zombies tangled up in yards of twine strung between buildings.

Now for some real advice!

Unfortunately most of these scenarios, no matter how hopeful, tend to result in solitary death...

Need you ask?

A small argument breaks out over whether or not prison would be the best place to hide.

Highlighted for truth:

Best advice in the whole thread, and the random fortune pretty much sums up the situation.

I think this was my own addition to the thread. At least, it looks like something I would say, and it's the most plausible outcome.


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