Monday, October 08, 2007

Criminals Are Fucking Stupid

Last Saturday morning, a giant boldfaced headline caught most customers' attention declaring in no uncertain terms: "GUILTY OF PORN CHARGES." Of course, I didn't notice the headline until someone conversationally read it aloud. I was otherwise distracted by the female band member featured in the gigantic picture right next to the headline and hadn't quite gotten around to reading the giant, glaring, boldfaced words yet.

There it was, though, in attention-getting, sensationalistic print: "GUILTY OF PORN CHARGES," right next to
a picture of a girl I'd like to see guilty of porn charges. Eventually I naturally assumed that the girl was chock full of stupid — which may not dissuade me from admiring her beauty, but will dissuade me from pursuing it — and I actually read the article.

The important part I'm going to type out here, omitting only the locations because fuck you, you don't need to know where I live:
A local man admitted last Friday to distributing graphically violent child pornography he found "disturbing and arousing" and now faces up to life in prison.

Christopher Aaron Budd, 35, pleaded guilty in U.S. District Court Friday to four felony counts, including distribution, possession, and receipt of child pornography.

"These videos were so graphic that there could be no doubt that this was child pornography," Assistant U.S. Attourney Matt Cannon told Judge Joe B. McDade.

The videos were discovered on Mr. Budd's computer when he took it into a now-closed repair shop in September 2006.
I'm going to stop here because the article goes on to describe the content of one of the videos in question, and it's really rather horribly shocking and might upset some of my more empathic readers, and it's not really the focus of my commentary on the situation anyway. Suffice it to say, bad stuff happens to very young children.

Perhaps it is some sort of genetic failsafe to protect society that typically renders the violently criminal unfathomably stupid and the criminally brilliant disinclined to violate the law. Whenever I hear about these reprehensible offenders going to jail, it's always because of some huge, gaping, glaring error that anyone with even a little bit of common sense and a great deal of not hopped up on crystal meth could figure out for themselves. I think all the time about ways that I could commit crimes to never get caught, but I have absolutely no inclination to actually commit crimes. It's just so unbelievably easy to do in so many cases that it astounds me that these errors in judgment are what eventually dooms these criminals to fail.

Writers do this all the time, too, in books and movies. They invent these genius criminal masterminds who captivate our imaginations as the heroes in the stories put the pieces of the puzzle together. The writers can get away with, essentially, telling aspiring criminals how to commit the perfect crimes because humanity has accumulated vast amounts of imperical evidence that the criminals are too fucking stupid to heed any of the advice. To emulate the brilliant strategies of any celebrated literary villian, a real-life criminal would first have to fucking pick up a book, and they can't very well copy a movie villian because they're generally too hopped up on crack to comprehend what's going on.

Seriously, if Hannibal Lecter existed in real life, he would probably not be a cultured psychiatrist. How many refined and intelligent psychotic serial killers do we ever encounter in real life? They're usually grimy recluses in an apartment with 50 million squirrels or some weird shit, and they stalk the back alleys outside strip clubs or grade school playgrounds for their victims. When you see a guy with an inch-thick layer of sooty grime covering his skin and three weeks' worth of Cheetos stains marring his threadbare clothes hanging around a playground, chances are this dude's going to eat your kids. I'm just sayin'. They're not hard to pick out from a crowd. They might as well walk around with a giant sandwich board that reads, "I WILL RAPE AND MURDER YOUR CHILD. I MAY ALSO EAT IT." In fact, I think all violent sex offenders should be made as part of their sentence to walk around with sandwich boards proclaiming their criminal intent. It would make the world a much easier place to navigate if the guy in the single's bar is carrying a sign that reads "YOU GONNA GET RAPED!" or the guy walking into the gas station at three in the morning is covered with "I ATE A BABY!"

Anyway, in real life Hannibal Lecter would probably get caught early on by doing something stupid like trying to eat an armed cop because in real life criminals are not that fucking bright. Look at how most cannibals get caught in real life. They bury their victims in their back yards or their crawlspaces. Disposing of the bodies of the children last seen with you in your own house is pretty much one step away from belching up a finger on the defense table of the court room. You're pretty much guilty. You might want to, you know, get the remains as far the fuck away from your house as possible. Grind them up and throw them away with your trash. Bury them in your neighbor's yard when they're gone on vacation or something. Anything but burying them inside your house. John Wayne Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, these are the real life equivalents of Hannibal Lecter we're dealing with. Not exactly neurosurgeons.

That brings me back to this child porn nutjob. Quite frankly, I don't understand the fascination with child pornography. I do understand that some people are pedophiles, but true pedophiles seek sexual relationships with children, not the torture and rape of children. I would imagine hearing a child screaming bloody murder during sex would be as deflating to the average pedophile as hearing a grown woman doing the same would be to me. That leaves the criminally insane and people who find child pornography exciting because of the taboo. It's not taboo, okay? It's fucking sick. There is a fine but clearly defined line between the excitement of the taboo and the depravity of descrating a child. If you want taboo, find a girl and have sex in public. Engage in anonymous gay sex. Read consentual incest porn. But don't get off on raping a child, unless you want to be shot in the fucking head because that is the best of what you deserve.

However, if you are sick and stupid enough to engage in the proliferation of child pornography over the Internet, there are a few ground rules to keep in mind.

1) All child pornography online is set up by the cops. This may not be entirely true, but I am thoroughly convinced that it is. Just convince yourself of this, too; it's a wonderful deterrent. If you assume that you're either getting it from or giving it to a cop and your IP address is being logged and tracked, you won't believe how quickly you would lose interest in trading it. There are plenty of legal types of taboo sex scattered all over the Internet. When you trade child porn, you will get caught, and the overwhelming bulk of humanity will not be satisfied until you are dead, and God will banish you to eternal damnation and laugh while Satan assrapes you for all eternity. There is no way around it, so just don't fucking do it.

2) Just don't download any porn from file-sharing networks, as it was later revealed that this guy did. Purely out of curiosity, I've looked for porn on file-sharing networks, and by my estimation, every single sex video and image set, along with about fifty percent of every other type of video and music file, contains some combination of child pornography descriptors in the file name, so you never truly know if you're going to get the softcore Cinemax porn video you're looking for or a thirteen-year-old having sex with a dog. Also, so many of the videos that aren't child pornography use child pornography descriptors in the file names that I also don't download the ones which don't use child pornography descriptors because I suspect those are the real child pornography files. Bottom line, don't download any porn from file-sharing networks because there's a good chance you're either going to end up accidentally downloading child porn from a cop, or you'll be building a case history of downloading files that contain child pornography descriptions, and I can only presume that will come back and bite you in the ass later.

This is the most important ground rule, so pay attention:

3) If your'e engaging in any sort of illegal activity with your computer, NEVER NEVER NEVER take it to a shop to be serviced. In every single case I read about, where the criminal wasn't tracked through his Internet activity, the criminal brought an entire hard drive full of evidence to a repair shop and the technician came across the illegal material and turned it in to the police. You'd think eventually the complacency, confidence, or stupidity would wear off, but it never seems to. So let me just come right out and say it: If you have illegal material on your hard drive, the technician will see it and the technician will be obligated by law to turn it in, and society will hate you, and God will laugh at you while you're being assraped for all eternity by Satan.

I don't even have anything illegal on my hard drive, but I still don't trust computer repair technicians. They keep your computer for days, and I know they root through it, whether or not anything comes to light. I may not have anything illegal on my hard drive, but I do have upwards of seventeen years worth of very personal writing and artwork stored on it that I would quite frankly not want someone else to a) see and b) possibly steal for their own personal gain. My characters are like children to me. If someone stole one before I could properly protect it, it would be like a kidnapping. So, yeah, repair shops are out of the question for me, primarily due to my serious trust issues.

Anyway, if you do have illegal material on your hard drive, I would suggest making periodic back-ups, and if your computer does fail, whatever you had on it when it crashed is just fucking gone. Don't take your computer to a repair shop to try to recover your illegal child pornography, you fucking dolt. It's just fucking gone. Buy a new computer and start over. Otherwise they will see that you have an extensive collection of illegal child pornography and they will alert the police who will make an iron-clad case to make sure you never get to taste daylight again, and you deserve every bit of the maximum punishment coming to you — one, for simply being reprehensible enough to enjoy watching children being raped, and two, for being fucking stupid enough to turn yourself in. Even if your crime wasn't nearly as disgusting as the former, you still deserve the latter because you're too stupid to live amongst other human beings. You're a danger to yourself and others. You should be locked up for your own safety and ours, you fucking imbecile.

Some of you may take offense to my essentially offering free proactive advice to the criminals most deserving of being identified and punished, but I have good faith that the average criminal is not going to make it far enough into this article to actually see the advice. If these people were smart enough and patient enough to actually do something like reading, they'd be smart enough to already have figured this out for themselves. The ones who can't figure this out for themselves are very likely not to make it this far into a long, boring article with lots of words essentially insulting and humiliating them. So nothing of value will be lost by my publishing this article for the greater Internet to bumble across.


np: Dead Soul Tribe - "Any Sign At All"

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