Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Quote Roundup #15

It's September! Post some fucking quotes!

"I have every reason to be a smartass. You have absolutely no excuse to be a dumbass." — me,
One More Tale Of Urban Stupidity

"My computer decided to absurd, and I just made 'absurd' a verb. Go me!" — me,
Massive Computer Failure: Epilog

"Even dogs and horses get their own TV shows and those things are dumb as hell. Have you ever asked a horse what time it was? Totally useless. They think your fingers are carrots and we act like they're the next Isaac Newton when they can add three plus three by stomping on the ground." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Worst Contact

"Go ahead and ponder the infinite vastness of space, the swirling galactic arms, and millions of stars stretching out to the expanding threshold of our universe. Then realize that if there is something out there, you probably don't want it to say hello. That guy with the wild hair in your apartment building scares the hell out of you. Try imagining him with a spaceship that can destroy cities." — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Worst Contact

"Vote for me or the terrorists will use your skulls for salad bowls." — Dogbert,
Dilbert

"I promise to take money from the people who don't vote for me and give it to the people who do." — Dogbert,
Dilbert

"When I was a boy, I dreamed of one day working in a fabric-covered box. I'm living proof that dreams can come true." — Dilbert,
Dilbert

"Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle." — Bucky Katt,
Get Fuzzy

"'Mars, baleful eye of Hades, look down upon this ruin of man and witness my wrath poured out.' - Walt Disney" — Zack Parsons,
SomethingAwful: Lesser-Known Quotations

"hiu im so sik of all the dumn gerls and stuff if your a smrat gerl and want 2 fuk then gimmi an emale thx" — Ian Golding, in a
fake CraigsList ad

"The sensation of smelling cat piss is like simultaneously driving thousands of roofing nails into your face. Spraying Nature's Miracle onto patches of carpet infected with catpee.exe is the equivalent of smashing a couple bricks into the side of your head." — Rich Kyanka,
SomethingAwful: This Article Is About Cat Urine.

"There is absolutely no way ever to cover up, remove, or disguise cat urine as something which doesn't instantly make you want to kill yourself." — Rich Kyanka,
SomethingAwful: This Article Is About Cat Urine.

"The idea of cat adoption ranks somewhere between 'voluntarily requesting a tax audit' and 'murdering your entire family.' Sure it may initially seem like an incredible, flawless idea, but eventually some minor issues arise, ones which usually end up with somebody either going insane or to prison." — Rich Kyanka,
SomethingAwful: This Article Is About Cat Urine.

"Scouring your home for hidden deposits of urine is like the world's crappiest and least rewarding treasure hunt." — Rich Kyanka,
SomethingAwful: This Article Is About Cat Urine.

"A few years ago, publishing a successful personal ad in the back of the newspaper required imagination, a play on words, and a few bucks. Now a person only needs an Internet connection and a picture of their penis to find a person. Hell, if you post an advertisement, you could meet a disgusting stranger within the hour. Since posting an ad costs nothing, Craigslist.org has become the most popular website in the nation for finding used wheelchairs and obese women. The “casual encounters” section is where people go to meet sexual partners, and every post is a mixture between raw homemade pornography and that table in middle school filled with weird kids." — Ian Golding on SomethingAwful, as a frontpage introduction to
this article

"Infect zombies with AIDS by holding one down and fucking it in the ass. Then its just a matter of time." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing how to survive in a realistic zombie scenario

"I'd probably buy tons of yards of string and tie them from building to building, then watch the zombies get tangled in it. I'd also learn their ways and steal their women." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing how to survive in a realistic zombie scenario

"Zombies don't starve, fucktard. They're dead." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing how to survive in a realistic zombie scenario

"Guns are for people liable to shoot themselves in the foot." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing how to survive in a realistic zombie scenario

"Mustard gas? For zombies? What are you, retarded?" — Anonymous on /b/, discussing how to survive in a realistic zombie scenario

"All Windows software is free. You just fail at finding it." — Anonymous on /b/, discussing the benefits of Linux versus Windows

"Nickelback is like George W. Bush. Both pander to the lowest common denominator, neither write their own material, and only stupid people like them." — me,
Nickelback Is Like George W. Bush

"Girls are like parking spots: All the good ones are taken and the rest are disabled." — Anonymous on /b/ in response to a "Girls Are Like Apples" poem

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