Thursday, September 13, 2007

College Students Like Shit Music

I offended some college students the other day.

Rick said he heard a Nickelback song that he thought was pretty good. Oh God, not "Photograph," is it? Of course not. I threw out there the only other Nickelback song readily available to my conscious memory, "Rock Star." Bingo.

When he positively identified it, I roared in no uncertain terms, "THAT SONG SUCKS!!" Then I went on about how Cypress Hill already made what is generally regarded as the consummate ironic rock star self-parody song, and they're a rap band.

Cue the college students. They decided to discredit my argument my arguing semantic technicalities. "Well, actually Cypress Hill is more of a hip-hop band with rap influences that dabbles in rock." Do they rap? Then they're a fucking rap band. Arguing the difference between hip-hop and rap is like arguing the difference between doom metal and heavy metal. It's all still fucking heavy metal! Rap is the genre. Hip-hop is a subgenre, fucktards.

Plus, I really hate, loathe, and despise the term "hip-hop." It's like something a four-year-old would say if the four-year-old wished to have some common sense smacked into it, yet somehow pop culture has convinced twenty- to forty-somethings to go around proudly reciting the term as if it didn't sound like something a toddler would call someone tripping. "Hip-hop" is one of those terms like "snickerdoodle." How can anyone take you seriously when you are an adult who uses the word "snickerdoodle"? Likewise, anyone who utters the term "hip-hop" with any small bit of sincerity should be regarded as a fucking moron.

Then I told them that, furthermore, Pain of Salvation recently released an album of which the first three tracks blow even Cypress Hill's "Rock Superstar" out of the running and makes Nickelback look like the no-talent hack musicians that they are. The college kids responded with a snotty, "What are you, some kind of music afficionado?" Does it sound like I'm making up this shit as I go along, assholes? Come back when you have some musical taste, like when you can name more bands that existed in the 1970's besides Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, and Pink Floyd. And The fucking Grateful Dead.

How do I know these kids were college students? It could be the fact that they were about as buff as a Bic pen and on top of their beanpole frames sat some of the most absurdly cut long hair this side of Wolfmother. I mean, oblivious plant managers with bad, disheveled toupées look more stylish and more realistic than these idiots' hair. Not only do they need to get some musical taste, but also some self-respect and a comb.

Then there's the purchases. Nothing identifies these yuppie parents' most embarrassing mistakes than the contrast of their trendily faded Abercrombie & Fitch clothing and their overdependence on pot paraphernalia, chewing tobacco, and alcohol. You'd think that if these kids were smart enough to get into college, they would have happened across some of the thousands of pictures online of people's jaws after years of chewing tobacco use. Or should I say the lack of jaws and the giant, black, oozing, cancerous rot where the jaws used to be. I mean the occasional joint or beer is not necessarily my thing, but it's understandable. I mean, it is a part of our culture, and although I might one day have higher standards for my kids, I can't exactly fault them for wanting to at least try it either. However, when these kids are coming in with eyes so pink that the skin color about half an inch out from the eyes is also pink and they want another pack of five cigarillos, all I can think is that these are the future leaders of our nation. The college down the road is a business college. These kids are primarily studying to become managers or lawyers, and they dress themselves like it's their first time without Mom's help, and the only thing they're learning is how to empty the contents of a grape cigar and fill it with hash. Prospective employers, this is what you're getting when you overlook the guy who's been doing the job for fifteen years and instead hire a twenty-two-year-old with a bachelor's degree in textbook management to "lead" your team.

However, the easiest way to identify these kids as college students is that college students, almost as a rule, LIKE SHIT MUSIC. Of course, this doesn't apply to every college student. Some of them do know a lot about good music, such as music students or radio broadcast students, but those are the ones who already know precisely how badly most of these modern bands suck and are probably right now in the process of developing charts and grafts to accompany their thesis paper on the precise amount that each of these bands suck.

It cemented that these kids were college students when I offended them by saying that Nickelback sucks. If people who cared at all about music had any say in what got played on the radio, ninety-eight precent of everything that's on the radio right now would be fucking gone. Nickelback would never have even become a band, and Chad Kroeger would be drunk in a trailer park beating his pregnant wife right as you read this.

It's college students that are giving bands like Nickelback their notoriety. College students and people who don't really give a shit what they listen to, to the point that they could just as easily be listening to Toby Keith. So if we're not dealing with retards or zombies, all that's left are college students. College students think this shit music is great because they spend most of the time they're listening to it lit on drugs. Yeah, Radiohead is going to sound phenomenal when you've just dropped acid. A baby crying or a dog barking incessantly would sound just as enlightening to your stupid ass. These kids all get high on pot and have big listening orgies to bands like Phish and The Polyphonic Spree, but you have to keep in mind that they're high on pot. A box of Crayola crayons is thought-provoking when you're high on pot. Take away the pot and you're left with a bunch of bands that just make you wish you were high so you could fucking stand them.

So I'm glad I offended a portion of Nickelback's college freshman fan base. I bet they spent the entire time in their car driving back to their dorms and complaining about how wrong I was to criticize Nickelback. I'm unapologetic. Go listen to real music that wasn't specifically formulated by a bunch of men in suits to appeal directly to the lowest common denominator of casual American radio listeners. I would invite you to come back for a real discussion on the pros and cons of Nickelback once you've invested some time into researching the compositional qualities of some rock musicians who didn't have other people write their music, but by that time the point would pretty much be moot.

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