Friday, August 24, 2007

How To Tell If You're An Asshole

Killing Joke frontman and certified genius, Jaz Coleman, once said "If you're not a philosopher, you are an asshole." That statement might be too broad for the likings of some, so let's see if we can narrow it down a little.

— If you drive a conversion van.

— If you say you drink beer just because you like the way it tastes.

— If you refer about your wife or girlfriend as "my bitch."

— If you shout things at people from your moving vehicle.

— If you hold a conversation with someone in the center of a fucking doorway.

— If you blame the cop for ticketing you when he catches you breaking the law.

— If you have ever belched out the phrase "Git-R-Done" without even the slightest hint of remorse.

— If you make over $30,000 a year and don't know enough to clean up after yourself.

— If you honk your horn, for nearly any reason, between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM in or around a residential neighborhood.

— If you go out in public sporting any combination of the following: a tank-top undershirt, a hat tilted crooked, or pants around your hips.

— If you go into a sit-down restaurant within a half hour of the time it closes, expecting a full meal.

— If you put apostrophes in places apostrophes need not be.

— If you've ever seriously threatened anyone over the Internet. Come on, really.

— If you cough or sneeze in public without making even an attempt at covering your disease-ridden phlegm spray. (Yes, believe it or not, people do this. More than you would probably care to know.)

— If you pay for more than a 20-cent purchase with nothing but pennies.

— If you use a public restroom and don't flush the toilet. What the fuck is wrong with you?

— If you don't apologize when you've dialed the wrong number. Especially if you argue with the person who answers the phone when you've dialed the wrong number.

— If you've ever used the term "towel-head" with any degree of sincerity.

— If your car stereo sets off other cars' alarms.

— If you believe in denying two people their happiness over nothing more than a sexual preference that in no way affects you, personally.

— If you are a brown, puckered, round muscle that emits poop and stinks.

— If you make broad, sweeping generalizations about people you don't know.

1 Comments:

Blogger Timothy Carter said...

Hah-ha! This site of yours gets better and better!

I don't get the bit about apostrophies, but otherwise I agree completely.

12:33 PM  

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