Friday, August 17, 2007

Elvis Memorial Marred By Violent Outbreak

A memorial gathering to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the death of the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley turned tragic on Thursday as the crowd slowly changed from mindless hordes shuffling through the streets with candles in little plastic cups chanting "Elvis!" to mindless hordes shuffling through the streets with candles in little plastic cups chanting "Brains!"

The 30th Anniversary Elvis Presley Memorial Event, which featured performances from various area Elivs impersonators, was cut short before the concert could even begin. It seemed to start as a fight broke out between several concertgoers at the back of the crowd, who were reportedly seen arguing between "Elvis" and "braaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnsssssss."

Eventually a fight broke out and police were dispatched to the scene, but not before the violence degenerated into animalistic behavior, to include attempted cannibalism. Once on the scene, a small but growing portion of the crowd turned on them, reportedly demanding "Braaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnsssssss," according to one deputy who survived the attack.

"It was insane," recounts the officer, who we are told must remain nameless until the investigation is finished, "these people were shuffling toward us with cold, dead eyes and Elvis shirts, repeatedly chanting only one of two words, 'Elvis' or 'brains'. They overpowered a couple of my coworkers, trying to bite and eat them. I was lucky enough to survive the first attack and retreat to safer ground. I tried to pull my partner from the scuffle, but he tried to take my arm off. I have the claw marks from his fingernails to prove it."

When asked how he handled the situation, he reports that much of the details remain confidential at the moment, but that he did the only thing he felt he could to assure his safety and that of those who seemed unaffected: he opened fire. "They took my bullets in the legs and arms and kept coming. It's like they had no affect on them. I had to actually fire center of mass, which I've never had to do before tonight."

Those arrested seemed possessed severe skin discoloration, poor motor coordination, and minimal response to stimuli. They are being treated at the local hospital criminal detox ward. "Probably hopped up on something," reasons Commissioner Hayden; "there are all sorts of new exotic designer drugs cropping up every day."

Despite the commissioner's attempts to downplay the incident, many surviving Elvis fans remain unconvinced. "Something was wrong with those people that had nothing to do with drugs," says Cheryl Joyce, 38. "One of them wanted to eat my son. The only way I could convince him to stop was to beat his head with a pipe. I thought I'd killed him, but a minute later, he just picked himself up and walked away as if nothing happened."

The only thing that seemed to really affect the infected was a small fire that broke out from the many dropped vigil candles. "They seemed genuinely afraid of fire," noted the surviving deputy. "We finally were able to subdue them when the fire department arrived to control the fire. The cold water and carbon dioxide extinguishers cooled the people enough to hinder their progress."

The federal government eventually arrived and took over full investigative control of the incident, accompanied by the military. Although the case is still under investigation, the probable cause has been narrowed down to "likely either some new airborne contagion or necromancy. You can never be too sure when confronted with these soulless abominations."

"Elvis" is a hard word to not mistype.

np: Simple Minds - "Sweat In Bullet"


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