Friday, July 20, 2007


It doesn't matter if you're as cute as Laura Fraser and as sexy as Jennifer Connelly used to be when she was, like, 25. No matter how attractive you are or you think you are, there are just certain phrases that you can utter that will automatically render you as unattractive to me as Phyllis Diller's mummified corpse. At which point there is pretty much nothing you can do to "cute" me into bending to your will. These include:

— "Could I get a single Swisher 'rillo, please?"

— "Man I am soooo drunk!!"

— "Chad Kroeger is the greatest songwriter ever!"

— "How much is your cheapest pack of cigarettes?"

— One word: "Babydaddy."

— "My hobbies include baseball and NASCAR and beer."

— "Let's see which one of these cards I still have money left on."

— "Why you no be answer you phone?"

— "I just spent an hour on the tanning bed."

— "What's so bad about Toby Keith?"

— "I love to party!! Wooooooo!!"

— "How much is these?"

— "Can I get a beer if I show you my tits?"

— "My asshole boyfriend just got thrown in jail; I gotta go bail him out."

— "How can you not drink?"

— Also sweat pants with words across the butt advertising undesirable character traits like "Brat" or "Princess." It's just another way of saying "high-maintenance bitch," printed on quite possibly the most unattractive pieces of clothing ever created. Also, the word "Sexy," because if you have to constantly remind us that you are, you most likely aren't.


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