Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Tales From The Urban Utopia, Part 1

Here are some stories of stupidity from my job. Consider it memoirs, since I pretty much consider this job nothing more than a social experiment to pass the time until I can get back working to a more rewarding career.

Josh Gets All The Good Crazies
A customer at Josh's register one evening accidentally dropped a bottle of cologne right in front of the counter. This was disconcerting to me because I am not afraid to admit that I'm allergic to most colognes and perfumes. However, through regular bathing practices, good hygiene, deodorant, and the fact that I loathe both heat and manual labor, I don't generally stink. Back when I was doing avionics work in the dead heat of the Arkansan summer, I mentioned to a female airframe & powerplant coworker that I was allergic to cologne, and she was rather astonished because she remarked, "That's amazing because you never stink." That was in the middle of the afternoon, it was over a hundred degrees outside, and we were working in the close proximity of a C-130 flight deck, so I think my credentials are pretty solid in terms of good body odor.

Basically, all that happens is that I get a skin rash wherever the cologne is applied. Nothing major, but I discovered that inhaling a large amount of it also slightly suffocates me and gives me hot flashes, so it's not pleasant for me to be at a register after someone breaks a bottle of pungent cologne in front of it. That is neither here nor there, though. It's not really the point of the story. I just wanted to point out that it was uncomfortable. The story goes as follows.

The guy drops the bottle of cologne and it breaks. The odor wafts up and hits us like a brick wall. Josh says nothing, basically waiting for the moron to move out of the way so we can start to clean it up. Instead of moving, the man explains that, "It's supposed to make you smell like you just got out of the bath."

Josh says nothing because he could not care less. His facial expression doesn't even change. The man gets all anxious and haphazardly grabs his stuff, exclaiming "Some people need it!" before darting out the door.

Josh turns to me and says, "Did he just admit he doesn't bathe?" That's what it sounded like to me.

Apparently It's Josh's Fault Gas Prices Are Rising
Josh comes in to work, and not long after the phone rings. He answers it. Without any preamble, the man on the other end just blurts out: "How can you live with yourself raising gas prices forty cents in one day?"

Without even thinking about it, Josh responds, "You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

Then the guy relents and says, "I'm sorry, I know you don't set the gas prices," and he and Josh have this ten-minute conversation where Josh explains that he doesn't drive because he can't afford it, that he walks everywhere with holes in his shoes because he makes minimum wage at a dead-end job while trying to take care of his kid, and all that. I think he eventually gave the guy the number to the corporate office so he could complain to the right people.

I told Josh that I would have told the guy, "Look, if I had any say in how much gas should cost, you wouldn't be talking to me right now because I would be the President of OPEC, and I would make more money in a day than your life is worth." Who the fuck would even call the nearest gas station and demand from whatever clerk unlucky enough to answer the phone to explain the intricasies of the current fuel economy? Exactly how much of a retard would you have to be? Write a letter to Congress if it bothers you that bad, Andy Rooney, but leave us the fuck alone.

How Do You Rob A Store With A Hammer?
Someone came in one morning and mentioned that a store just up the road got robbed by two girls with a hammer. My initial reaction was to laughingly say, "How do you rob a store with a hammer? Who is afraid of a hammer?"

Seriously, you have a little more than an arm's length of reach with a hammer. If I were to step about a foot back from the counter, they couldn't reach me with it to hit me. Sure, they could throw it, but I could duck, and then I'd have their hammer. What the fuck, morons! I hope that guy felt seriously emasculated after that.


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