Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Quote Roundup #13

Quotes for the month of June, (and part of July), to be added to the random quote generator.

"I recognize the need for children on a purely biological level, certainly; I'm just glad it's not me having to lug screaming miniature idiots around to restaurants and supermarkets just so I can keep my bloodline in the gene race." — Jay Pinkerton,
Driving Into Traffic To Avoid Puppies, And Other Tips For Children

"Children: they're cute at first, sure, but they're also loud, destructive, not very bright and frankly horrible conversationalists. I don't adopt retarded, violent midgets and invite them into my home for decades at a time, either, and I fail to see the difference in principle." — Jay Pinkerton,
Driving Into Traffic To Avoid Puppies, And Other Tips For Children

"I don't know about you, but as far as I'm concerned, learning how to fuck Mexican hookers was the most useful thing I learned in the third grade." — Jay Pinkerton,
The Wrong Assholes

"Just because I might get cancer from picking up a dirty pen, that doesn't mean it's okay to get lung cancer. That's like hearing there's a good chance you'll be murdered no matter where you are, and deciding from this that it's wisest to parachute into a murderer convention at the local knife museum." — Jay Pinkerton,
The Wrong Assholes

"The best proof I can think of that God doesn't exist is that we can get cancer of the anus, but that something incredibly useful like idiot cancer or frothing zealot cancer doesn't exist." — Jay Pinkerton,
The Wrong Assholes (One of these days I'll get around to finishing these articles.)

"95% of all dogs found in captivity are thought to be pets." — Adam Pogoff,
Listoff: And That's A Fact!

"I think I don't get hit on because I rewrote my profile and claimed I was a dinosaur. When that didn't work, I claimed I was the Byzantine textform of the New Testament, which I was sure would be popular with the ladies, but I guess not." — OKCupid user "
Slaewth" in a comment on someone else's OKCupid journal that made me laugh hard, especially when I found out he was telling the truth

"Opinions are treason. Do you have any opinions, Doofy?" — Dilbert's CEO,

"Paris Hilton pisses me off because they're making a big deal about her being treated like a normal human being, which I admit, she clearly is not. I mean, have you seen her? Barf." — me,

"I firmly believe that as soon as you pick a political party you automatically start injecting bias into issues. I would rather see issues resolved logically and scientifically, not politically, because so far 'politically' has not worked out very well." — me,

"The tissue inside the rectum is apparently very thin. Any gay person, doctor of a gay person, or gay doctor will tell you that merely the friction caused by the soft skin of the engorged penis will cause anal bleeding, so I would liken the introduction of the fingernail inside the anal cavity to powerwashing your asshole with razor blades." — me,
The Top Worst Itchy Places

"It's time for the Chili Peppers to hang it up. The mere fact that this band still exists and Faith No More doesn't should be considered a crime against humanity. The entire RIAA should be tried at Nuremberg for the genocide of musical taste." — me,

"I think we should just ignore any genre of music that either has the word 'core' attached to it or rhymes with 'emo' because not one has popped up yet that hasn't proven to be complete and utter shit." — me,

"What does Natasha Bedingfield have that the average member of her fourteen-year-old fan base doesn't? About fourteen and a half of her fifteen minutes of fame and highly likely less artistic talent." — me,

"MEGATRON and the Decepticons leap from the shuttle. His pals all turn into planes and fly off to attack the Autobots. MEGATRON transforms into his gun mode and falls into a dustbin." — a 1986 Transformers: The Movie parody I found on

"Vlogs are the retarded fake TV shows you made with your friends when you were eight, except put on the Internet and produced by people old enough to run for President." — Bob Mackey, SomethingAwful,
YouTubery! Vlog Spotlight: Fluttershy

"Diet Pepsi tastes like an ant farm. It looks like a can of twat. I hate it." — OKCupid user "mejulie,"
I Review Shit

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
— Steven Weinberg

"The United States is a nation of laws badly written and randomly enforced." — Frank Zappa

"Human nature is the reason for our downfall, and we deserve it playing God with our machines. Our religions are a prison that's our fatal flaw; bombs are flying while we're sleeping with the enemy." — Scorpions, "Hour 1"

"The spelling bee is facing fierce opposition from non-spellers such as the residents of Kentucky." — Hassan Mikal, SomethingAwful:
Nation Buzzing with Spelling Bee Mania

"How do they make Cinnabons so very delicious? Does a murdered Fairy go into each bite like I suspect?" — Ryan Sohmer,
Least I Could Do Blog

"Those of us with not to much fondness for our current President can't help but feel that we owe the fictional character he has created of a homespun good old boy in love with clearing brush to Texas. I'm not too certain what Texans think of Bush these days, but every time he swallows his New England accent long enough to stammer out some anecdote about Buddy chasing tumbleweeds around his ranch it reminds most of America of why we hope Texas burns to the ground." — Zack Parsons, SomethingAwful:
Great American Reach Around - Texas and Mexico

"In a country where Wal-Mart CEOs keep personal mixtapes of small business owners sobbing, it's nice to see a city where someone sticks up for local record stores and ice cream parlors." — SomethingAwful forum member "The Karma Crip,"
The Great American Reach Around - Texas and Mexico

"Do not say you have a workout regime. You are not the emperor of the workout. Please, you do not have a workout regime. You have a regimen." — Steve Carrell on The Tonight Show

"I'm going to have a bunch of boys and name them Hunter, Tanner, Warden, Blacksmith... I'm going to have a whole village." — Quote on OKCupid user MeJulie's

"Don't shave your balls. Real men pluck the hairs out one by one." — me, responding to a bunch of replies to MeJulie's

"Least favorite words and expressions: 1) 'Fixin'' as in 'I'm fixin' to take me a shower.' Also see 'a'fixin'.' 2) 'I'ma' like 'I'ma watch me some TeeVee.' Used by those who feel 'I'm gonna' uses too many syllables. 3) 'Conversate' (which is now recognized by Websters), for instance 'I'ma hafta conversate with that fool afore he fixes to do something stoopid.' OK I mainly have a problem with the ignorant South." — OKCupid user "kinginc82" inresponse to MeJulie's journal entry,

"A huge mound of thanks and appreciation to everyone who passed along birthday wishes yesterday. While I'd like to think of myself as immortal, you folks took great lengths to remind me that I'm not. So thank you for that." — Ryan Sohmer, Least I could Do blog,

"I find it really insensitive when you encourage Grandpa to drink his pants through a straw." — Adam Pogoff,
Listoff: I Find It Really Insensitive When You


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