Sunday, July 15, 2007

Online Dating Guide, Part 11: Stupid Profiles 2

These days, I pretty much just go to OKCupid for the lulz.

"cuityema" claims she is once, twice, three times a lady. Overcompensate much?



She was born and raised for five years in the year 1979? Get with this chick; she knows how to warp time and space. Also, I feel sorry for anyone who might honestly be from Nigeria, because no one will believe they're not a bot scam, especially when they only have two match questions answered. =/


Apparently "sexybitch27f" is not as clever as she thinks. . .


Oh Christ. You're not supposed to spray it directly up your nose.


I think what this girl's doing with her life is having a seizure.


If you find Billy Joel hard to play, you might want to consider excluding "playing the piano" from your list.


If you regularly use the word "holla," chances are we will never have anything to say to each other. The pictures aren't helping.


Oh what the Christ! This is the type of girl who would drive a sane man to suicide. I've seen these types of girls before. They're like those Pomeranians that have that really high-pitched squeaky bark and never, ever shut up.



But I'm going to say more anyway.


Yeah, that "am go to school thing"? It's not working.


She's really good at CAPS LOCK. It's AUTOPILOT FOR COOL.

I feel sorry for this girl's two beautiful children. It seems that the people you'd think to be least qualified to so much as take care of a puppy are always the first to have a bunch of offspring.


Notice she doesn't say she reads magazines either. Judging by her writing style, I don't think literacy is her strongest suit.


This girl only has an 18% Match rate with me and a 49% Enemy rate. Can anyone guess why that might be? Should we count the ways?


This could have something to do with "Drugs: Often."


This guy I found because of an alarming number of banally verbose responses to
this journal entry by OKCupid user "mejulie." I was like, "Who is this guy?" He's insane. Truth is, he seems to be as pretentious as I am, only with every bit of wit and personality removed. Remember that episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where Q offered Riker his powers? This is what the outcome might have been like had it been Data instead of Riker. Oh wait, Riker didn't have that much of a personality either, come to think of it…

I screencapped only this much of his incredibly long and equally boring self-summary because this is about as much as I could read before I lost interest and scrolled down to see just how much this dork wrote. Most notable remark: That he was "reared."


I seriously invite you all to take a quick look at his profile,
here. Don't harass him or anything, though, just look to see just how long it actually is. Does he honestly think any women would find this attractive?

Finally, this guy I found on a comment to someone's journal entry where he claimed he wrote that he was a dinosaur in his own profile and later changed it to the Byzantine textform of the New Testament. When I investigated I found out that he was telling the truth. So there is nothing bad I can say about this guy. He rocks hard.

It seems he took his joke profiles down. It's unfortunate, because I enjoyed them.

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