Sunday, July 01, 2007

Customer Or Criminal 2

Time for another installment of "Customer or Criminal?" wherein I peruse photos on and describe what kind of average customer the various criminals look like. I've pretty much figured out that at least 90% of all people look like some sort of child molester. Apparently, they view this as an attractive quality.

This looks like the type of customer who is in his forties and still buys nothing but beer, cigarillos for his pot addiction, and fulfilling nights with girls he pays to come home with him from strip clubs. When you're in your forties and this is how you measure your success, you have officially failed at life.

This is the type of wormy guy who thinks he's better than the clerk even though simple concepts like flushing the toilet after he pees or cleaning up his coffee spills consistently elude him. This guy, in particular, enjoys fondling nine-year-old girls, clearly the hallmark of champions.

"Do you think two dollars in gas will get me to Idaho? I can only pay you in pennies; is that all right?"

This doesn't look like a typical customer or a typical criminal. This looks like a screenshot of the unlikely hero in a Japanese martial arts flick from the Eighties. His name is Vincent P. Rain. Who has "Vincent P. Rain" as a name? The unlikely hero in a Japanese martial arts flick from the Eighties, that's who. Do the math.

This guy would totally be pouring over the condoms selection with some other guy. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that, but it does tend to detract from the macho, tough-guy façade he's otherwise trying to purport.

"So there's no way you'll sell me this beer without my I.D.? You mean I gotta drive all the way back home just to get my driver's license?"

These vagrants wander in off the street from time to time. Usually they spend half my night shuffling between God-knows-where outside and our restroom and end up scaring all the normal customers (re: drunks and potheads) because they smell of stale piss and scream things like "THE RATS ARE LANDING ON MY EYEBALLS!!!" before puking into their beards. Clearly when some people conceptualize the appearance of success, this is the look they aspire to.

This kind of guy annoys me because he comes in six or seven times throughout the night to buy a single cigarillo, even though if he just bought a pack it would save him about three dollars and he wouldn't have to bother me every forty-five minutes. I mean, if you're going to interrupt what I'm doing so I can sell you something, at least make it worth my time. That's all I ask.

When forced to make the choice between having a modicum of dignity and becoming a career alcoholic, he chose alcoholism because it's all he had left, and it never let him down before.

This is how a good number of our customers go out in public every single day. They honestly have no idea how bad they look. I think they just gave up caring. There's no way anybody could look at that moustache and shirt in the mirror and honestly believe that they're at all flattering.

This is the type of woman who is drunk enough to think she's still remotely attractive and tries to use her "womanly charms" to bribe the clerk into giving her more alcohol after the legal cutoff time, despite the fact that whoever convinced her that she still has any sort of "womanly charms" lied to her. I hate, loathe, and despise these hags. As if simultaneously annoying and disgusting the clerk is going to make him more accommodating.


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