Monday, June 11, 2007

Update: Paris Hilton Still Insignificant

You know who I'm sick of hearing about? Paris Hilton. Not just this latest bout of unappreciated notoriety unduly coming to her, but at all, period. Paris Hilton is an anti-celebrity in the sense that she has somehow unfathomably risen to a celebrity status without doing one significant thing to deserve it, and also in the sense that she is probably the number one celebrity that most people wish would just fucking die already.

That sounds mean, but think about it. If she were to suddenly and hopefully tragically perish, there would be a couple of weeks of people talking about it constantly, some odes and tributes made to her utter waste of a life, and then the world could collectively just forget about her and concentrate on more important things like steering away from the oncoming cliff. It worked for Anna Nicole Smith, and how much do we hear about Princess Di these days, despite the fact that she made a much more important impact on the world? At least Anna Nicole Smith left behind a child with a large price tag attached to its head for a series of prospective fathers to battle over to ensure that her name would be thrown around for months to come. I guarantee you if Paris Hilton died tomorrow we'll have forgotten her name and how disfigured her face is by July.

Paris Hilton is a "celebrity" who achieved her celebrity status by being a teen-aged girl born into a wealthy family. That is it. Even the tabloid entertainment media can't name anything significant that she has done to make her worthy of their reporting. They always fall back on her "reality" show The Simple Life, which featured herself acting like a spoiled rich bitch refusing to do things that normal people, who aren't rich, do on a typical day. It was more her slapping the average person in the face with the white glove of her own entitlement while most people watched just to see her exploiting herself as a clueless idiot on national television. It wasn't even a show that made her a "star," it was a show created to attempt to justify her status as a "star." She also clutched at straws by releasing an album so insightful that any number of monkeys using a proportionate number of Pro-Tools could have just as easily produced.

When every attempt at justifying her celebrity status has plummeted into the ground in a gigantic fireball of failure I have to wonder what it is about her that makes people continue to give a shit. It can't be her looks because all the money in the world it seems can't hide the fact that one half of her face looks like it's sliding off her skull. Beyond that, her body is so anorexic skinny that her nude pictures could encourage people to donate 75 cents a day to feed starving children in Hollywood. It's not her personality, which can be professionally summed up as "career alcoholic." She is nothing more than an the spoiled child of rich parents with a false sense of entitlement despite the fact that all she's done to earn it was be born.

Now she's throwing a temper tantrum about having to go to jail for drunk driving, despite the fact that this is the third time she's been caught drunk driving, and this time she was doing it on a suspended license, because she's rich and entitled to endanger herself and others while no longer being legally permitted to do so. When the judge handed down a 45-day jail sentence, she and her parents hit the roof with their shit, citing that they were trying to make an example of her and if she wasn't a celebrity, they wouldn't be treating her with such injustice. No, she was getting off lightly because she's a celebrity. If it was, say, me, I'd probably be sentenced to a year or three in jail for my third drunk driving violation on a suspended license. She may only be required to serve half of her sentence. "Travesty of justice" is really quite appropriate.

I'm just sick of hearing about it. First, we don't even need to hear about it. The only reason for it to be remotely so interesting is that she and her parents threw a spoiled temper tantrum over her sentencing. There are few celebrities I could care about less than Paris Hilton. I care more about the lives of dead celebrities than I do about her. Yet I keep getting unwanted updates about her life constantly shoved in my face. There are far more important things for the press to be reporting about, such as George W. Bush's constant attempts to erode our civil rights and the Democrats' seemingly vehement refusal to do dick all about it when talk comes to action, but whose name came up in the news more often than George W. Bush's for the past week? Paris Hilton. She is insignificant. Barely a blip on even the celebrity radar, let alone the important world socio-political events radar.

At work, I changed the radio station after the third update on her situation in less than fifteen minutes, exclaiming that "That deejay is as much of a broken record as his playlist!" Paris Hilton's name came up as routinely over the past week as that of Bi-state Towing and Recovery, a wrecker service that created one of the most annoying radio commercials ever to get played twice every commercial break for the entire month of May. It seems they've stopped playing it now, probably because the company had it pulled because enough people called the number just to inform them that they would never use their service because of that commercial.

It consisted entirely of a rap song about all the services they provide with their phone number punctuating the verses. Try doing any sort of accounting while the radio is saying three-two-two-eleven-oh-nine every two seconds and you'll understand just how annoying it can be. Not only that, but it was the worst kind of rap, too. It wasn't just white rap, but it was uncharismatic white rap sounding overly excited to compensate, "performed" by quite possibly the whitest white man to ever have existed. This guy was to the black hip-hop culture what flesh-eating bacteria is to erections. This commercial served as a grim reminder that white advertising executives should never be allowed to perform rap music. Keep in mind that, if a radio station plays their ad reel, on average, every fifteen minutes, and they played this commercial at least twice during the commercial break, I must've heard it at least 567,792 times per hour, eight hours a day, for the entire month of May. Which is about as much as I heard up-to-the-minute updates of Paris Hilton's situation all last week.

I hope she does go to jail. I hope she stays in jail so long that nobody remembers who she is, and when she gets released in seventy-five years, everyone's like "Paris who?" She's an idiot, and jail is probably the best place for her. At least she'll be relatively safe from injuring herself and others, which is apparently where her life was heading before she got caught driving drunk for the third time, which is what got her into this mess in the first place. Maybe she'll end up dying in jail, Ted Bundy style, then everyone will be happy. Until Bi-state Towing and Recovery comes up with a new advertising campaign, possibly by busting into people's houses and driving a winch down their throats.


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