Monday, June 18, 2007

The Top Worst Itchy Places

I decided to compile a list of the most annoying places on the body to get an itch, rated in order from what I believe to be the least to most aggravating. However, I'm not going to get into the female anatomy on this one because as much as I may or may not know about the female anatomy, it would still be extremely difficult, with me not actually being female, to imagine the exact sensations that women might experience when any of their more private areas become afflicted with the average, spontaneous itch. No this will be more of a universal bodily reference that could apply to either gender, with one exception applying specifically to men, because that is what I'm primarily familiar with.

The Finger, Bottom of Wrist, or Back of Hand
These itches are aggravating because no matter how hard you scratch at them, they never want to go away. I don't know if the nerve endings are buried deeper on the hand or what, but you can scratch yourself bloody raw trying to get rid of the itch and it will still be there. The best way to deal with these itches is actually to burn them off. Try applying the itchy surface to your car's leather steering wheel on a hot summer day and you can feel the relief come pouring in. After using everything from your fingernails to 30-grit sandpaper to the edge of a standard screwdriver to scratch to no avail, you won't even mind that your fingers are burning because the sensations of relieving the itch will be too euphoric.

The Inside of the Nostril
This is an unfortunate place to get an itch because no matter how much you try to convince them that your nose itched, people will only believe what they see, and what they see will be you with your finger shoved deep into nasal territory. When you scratch a nostril itch, it looks like you're picking your nose, and there's really no comfortable way around it. When you're done, you are often left with a giant, sticky, germ-ridden mess to do something with as well. (Helpful hint: Try wiping it on something, like your sleeve, the couch, or your boss' suit jacket.) There's really no way to get rid of the nostril itch, either. It will go away only when it feels like it, and if you scratch too long, you run the risk of rupturing the thin capillary membranes and giving yourself a nosebleed, which is even more embarrassing. "Yeah, Bob was digging for nuggets so hard he gave himself a nosebleed!" "God, what a dweeb!"

The Jock Area
I have no idea what the sensation is for women when, or if even, they get any sort of itching in their corresponding area. For all I know, it might feel absolutely divine. They may want to get itches in that area just to experience the sensations that go along with the prolonged and intense rubbing, for all I know. Highly likely that is not the case, much to the disappointment of many a man who might be anticipating such a notion. However, I do know what it feels like for guys.

There are really two sensations. One is moderate discomfort because it will generally happen in a very inappropriate place to deal with the situation, such as a board meeting, a baseball game, teaching an elementary school class, at a club while trying to pick up a woman, during sex, in orbit fixing the space probe, in front of Congress while addressing the nation, during the hijacking of a commercial airliner, while filming a rap video, while enjoying a lap dance at a strip club, at a critical moment during Middle East peace talks, directly before handling a customer's fast food order with your bare hands, in the middle of a job interview, or right when your wife's water breaks. When the discomfort creeps upon you, you have decisions to make. Should you make a spectacle of yourself by failing to discreetly adjust the positions of the articles down there? Should you excuse yourself and deal with the matter privately? Should you make funny, constipated faces trying to let it pass on your own so not to interrupt whatever important tasks you were completing?

The other sensation comes in the relief you feel when you finally are allowed to lead that counteroffensive into the nether jungle and wipe out the insurgency. You see, there are a lot of nerve endings around a man's phallic area, and each one of them is specifically programmed to feel really fucking good, no matter what happens to it. When a man gets to rubbing the skin around that phallic area, especially if there is some hair to rub against the skin, the sensation might be beat solely by sexual intercourse itself, but not by very much. Once the man gets a chance to shove his hand down there and go to town on the itch, it starts to feel so good that it might not come back out for a while. Not like ejaculatory good, but a different kind of good. You know the relief you feel when you have to go a really long time without scratching a really persistent itch, and then you do get to scratch it? Multiply that by 15 billion times, and that might make up an quark in the universe of how good it feels when a man finally gets to scratch down there. It's not the same kind of good to give the man an erection, unless the man is surrounded by a series of incredibly beautiful, naked women begging him for sex or he is a complete weirdo, but it's a good feeling. In fact, once a man gets going, he may not want to stop for a few minutes, being defined as a half an hour at the bare minimum. It might be very possible for the man to scrape some skin in his rapture and not even realize it until he gets a burning sensation a couple hours later. It feels so good that it's not uncommon for him to actually grunt out sexual noises in the process, leading to some possible embarrassing situations if it happens to be someplace public, like inside a restroom stall or in front of that elementary school class.

The Itchy Asshole
Everyone experiences this type of itch, and if you don't, you're a damn liar. I don't know why God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to put nerve endings directly on our sphincters that could in any way imaginable be subject to the possibility of an itch, but there it is. This is one of the most compromising places to experience an itch, because there is no humanly possible way to deal with this itch decently, and it happens to also be one of the most persistent. You might try to shake it off; you might try a quick swipe of the hand across the buttocks in hopes that you can dislodge some illusive thing that is caught at the very convergence of the sphincter causing the itch, like a grain of sand or a broken-off crayon, but of course it is unsuccessful because there is really nothing distressing the nerve save for some cruel joke of evolutionary pointlessness.

No, the only way to really tackle this itch is to get a chance to shove the hand directly into the crack of the ass and rub furiously, which is not only particularly disgusting, but also extremely difficult to do with any sort of finesse while in public. Even then, you have to hope it's on the outside of the sphincter because if it's on the inside of the rectum, there's absolutely nothing you can do to relieve yourself. If you're really desperate, you could slip a finger past the opening and see if you can eliminate the itch with direct contact, but that's rather painful and most guys are far too homophobic to consider such bold tactics. Besides, the tissue inside the rectum is apparently very thin. Any gay person, doctor of a gay person, or gay doctor will tell you that merely the friction caused by the soft skin of the engorged penis will cause anal bleeding, so I would liken the introduction of the fingernail inside the anal cavity to powerwashing your asshole with razor blades. The best way to deal with the itchy asshole is, unfortunately, to suffer.

I apologize if you found this passage to be overall damaging to your sensitivities, but when you read the subject line, what did you expect, really?

The Bottom of the Foot
Although I may not describe this itch in nearly the detail of the previous two, don't assume I don't think this is probably the worst place, particularly because it is one of the most distressing itches, one of the most difficult to eliminate, and it crops up in the least convenient times. The bottom of the foot is made up of some sort of superhard layer of skin that can be likened to that of a turtle's shell, and any itch that occurs on the bottom of the foot is embedded deeply under the skin, like near the bone. Even once you get your shoes off, there's almost no way to eliminate this itch; the more you try to scratch it, the more the itch just persists and laughs at your futile efforts. Before that, it will pop up with alarming intensity at highly inconvenient times, such as anywhere where it's considered impolite to pull off your shoes — in the middle of a very crowded public place, at work, especially during a high-profile meeting, or while driving. If it happens while you're walking through a store or at work, you just have to live with it because if you pull off your shoes in public you will be automatically inundated with dirty looks and smelly feet jokes. You just have to ride it out, hopelessly grinding your foot against the sole of your shoe while making faces that cross between constipation and sexual tension.

The absolute worst is while driving. There's pretty much nothing you can do about it at this point. It will come on with enough ferocity to make you want to swerve your car across several lanes of oncoming traffic and into a wall to scratch it, but the more noble part of your brain forbids that. You can't rub your foot against anything to gain some force behind the friction to try to scratch it because the only two things to rub your foot against are the brake pedal and the gas pedal, either of which could have serious repercussions if undue pressure gets randomly applied to them in heavy traffic. If you're wearing a slip-on shoe, you might be able to slip it off your foot, then what? The only thing you have to rub it against is the carpeted floor of the car or your other foot, which is trying to regulate the gas or brake pedals to compensate for your otherwise engaged foot. You might be able to reach down and scratch it with your fingernails, but then you risk losing control of the vehicle, and as I stated above, not really any amount of actual scratching will relieve the foot-bottom itch anyway. If you have a sneaker on, you might as well look forward to riding out the itch or distracting yourself from it, possibly by causing a several-car freeway pile-up. To take off a sneaker while driving, you typically need both hands to wrestle the thing off, and then you risk losing control of the vehicle. Anywhere else, even the passenger seat, you might be able to kick it off against your other foot, but not while you're driving because you run the risk of bumping a pedal. Of course, you could just pull over and deal with it, but then you run the risk of not getting where you're going in a reasonable time, and you look like a total goober with some sort of engine trouble on the side of the road.

Well that is all for my list of worst possible places on the human body to get an itch. If any of my less inhibited female readers would care to enlighten everyone else pertaining to any particularly irritating places on their body to acquire an itch, please feel free, purely for the interest of education and understanding. Thank you. If anyone read this and started experiencing spontaneous itches in various places around their bodies, I apologize, but, well, you could tell by the subject line what the post was going to be about, and I'm sure by now you know how the conscious brain enjoys inflicting us with whatever ailments it's suddenly become aware of. It was a rather itchy post for me to write.

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