Monday, June 25, 2007

Rejected Ten Commandments

Sometimes being God can be difficult, especially when you find that all of your Chosen People, who have been wandering in the desert for forty years following their liberation from Egyptian oppression, have started to stray from your adherent control. You realize you must set a number of concrete rules for them to follow. Not too many, but stern enough to guide them back to the path of righteousness. Ten should suffice. But which ten might you choose? Well we all know how it turned out, as most Christians are at least passingly familiar with the Ten Commandments. However, let's take a look at some of the ideas God eliminated from the Ten Commandments brainstorming sessions before He chose the official set to be etched into stone by Moses.

— The First Commandment is to not talk about the First Commandment.

— The Second Commandment is to not talk about the First Commandment.

— The Third Commandment is to talk about the First Commandment.

— Thou shalt not, under any circumstances, swank.

— Thou shalt not permit or deny.

— Thou shalt break it down.

— Thou shalt remember the Alamo, and keep it holy.

— Bawitda baw ba dang ba dang diggy diggy boogie said the boogie said up jump the boogie.

— Thou may have one other god before Me, but only if it is a really, really cool god.

— Thou shalt.

— Thou shalt remebeouxggxyy27777cqrx%%% SYNTAX ERROR _

— Thou shalt not die.

— Thou shalt go defile thyself with vile acts of fornication.

— Thou shalt stop! In the name of love, before thou breaks thine heart.

— Thou art the true perfect race, and all others must be exterminated.

— Thou shalt honor thy son and thy daughter.

— Thou shalt not use improper grammar.

— Thou shalt honor thy funky beat, and keep it groovy.

— If thou steppeth on a crack, thou shalt breaketh thy mother's back.

— Thou shalt not put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop. Thou shalt not put the ram in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong.

— Thou shalt not.

— Thou shalt not press the shiny, red button in the center of the land.

— Thou shalt fight.

— Thou shalt not change thy picture, smack thy bitch up.

— Thou needs to go on a diet.

— This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, please contact your vendor.

— This I command!!

— Good luck with all that.

— Masturbation is okay.

— Rosebud.

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